Issues

Honesty

Emily's POV

I've been sitting here on the couch in silence with Alison in my arms for a few minutes now. She's resting her head on my chest with her arm draped across my stomach as I softly run my fingers through her long, blonde hair. A million thoughts and emotions are running through my mind and my heart right now. I can't believe this happened to her. I can't believe she feels comfortable enough to tell me her story. I feel honored but at the same time, I can't shake this awful feeling beginning in the pit of my stomach and rising up my chest.

I have to tell her. But I can't. She might leave me and I don't want her to leave me. When she looks at me, all she'll see is her ex and she'll wonder if I'll end up doing the same thing to her. She won't trust me. This will be over before it even had a chance to begin.  Maybe I won't tell her. It's not like I'm ever going to hurt her like that. Yet again, if she can't accept this part of my life, then she isn't the one for me. I need someone that loves and accepts every part of me. And honesty, it's the only way any lasting relationship can form and be sustained. I have to tell her.

Taking a deep breath, I softly say, "Alison, I need to tell you something".

She can tell by the tone in my voice that what I'm about to tell her is something serious cause she gets off of my chest and sits up. I can see the worry in her eyes, begging me not to say something that could change us forever.

I take her hands and say, "What I'm about to tell you may make you leave me and never come back. That's the last thing I want, but if I want us to be something, you have to know all the good and bad parts of me. I need to be honest, even if it may be difficult".

Squeezing my hands tighter, Alison's face turns from worried to desperate. "Emily, please. Just tell me. You're scaring me".

I can't look at her when I say this because the look in her eyes might just break me. But I have to do it. "Alison... I... I was in the military. I was deployed overseas a few times".

Her eyes widen as she realizes what I just said. I see her mind racing but I continue. "I did so many things, just awful things while I was over there. I changed. I was good at being a solider, a hunter even. I became a killing machine. I lost myself over there. When I came back here, I was so angry all the time. I couldn't turn my mind off. I couldn't get the visions out of my head. I started having nightmares and breakdowns in public. I started drinking to numb the pain, the visions, just everything".

Alison pulled away from me with a look of pure horror. She got up off the couch mumbling to herself, "I can't believe this. I.... I just. I can't do this. I swore to myself that I wouldn't go down this path with anyone again".

Painful tears begin to fall down my cheeks and I can feel my heart breaking. "Alison, please! I got help! I'm getting better! I swear! Please don't leave!"

She pauses and remains facing the door. "Emily, I just can't. I can't go down this road again. It almost killed me the last time. I'm sorry".

She gently opens the door and looks back at me with tears in her eyes. Those beautiful eyes of hers are full of so much pain, saddness, and disappointment. I want to run to her, hold her, and make her see that'd I'd never hurt her but my body won't move. I'm frozen in place. I'm feeling every fiber of my heart rip in two at the sight of her walking out the door. Can't she see what's she's doing to me? Can't she see that I'm not like her ex?

With the click of the door closing shut, I begin to sob. But frustration floods my soul and makes me lose control. I flip the coffee table over, throw the lamp across the room, and begin to destroy everything I can get my hands on. Glass shatters everywhere and my apartment is a mess. Pausing in my kitchen, I look at my liquor cabinet and take out a bottle of tequila. "This should do the trick" I say to myself. Then, a familiar voice in my head says to me, "Feel. Really feel. Even if it seems unbearable". These words from the old man Walter cause me to put the bottle of tequila back in the cabinet.

Instead of drinking till I can't feel anymore, I collapse to the kitchen floor and begin to cry. I've never cried this hard or for this long in my life. I think about all the awful things I did overseas. I think about all the people I've killed, the ones I lost over there, and the overwhelming guilt that continually plagues my soul. I cry because I'm hurt that she couldn't accept me. I cry because she couldn't see past her ex's actions and realize that I'm not her. I cry because once again, I'm all alone. I let my walls down, and this is what I get in return. I cry because I really like her. She was changing me for the better. She was helping me heal.

I lose track of time for how long I've been crying on the floor. The click of the front door opening pauses the endless tears. I look up and see Hanna, Aria, and Spencer walk into the room. Their faces say it all. They're shocked at the state of my apartment as they look around at the destruction I caused. When they finally look at the kitchen they see me helpless on the floor. They rush towards me and fall to the floor next to me. Spencer grabs me and pulls me close to her chest, resting my head in the crook of her neck. I continue to sob as she softly rocks back and forth with me in her arms, trying to soothe me. Hanna's hand is covering her mouth in shock and tears begin build in her eyes. Aria gently rubs her hand on my leg, fighting back the urge to cry too.

After a few minutes of silence, Spencer finally asks, "Emily what happened? What's wrong?"

Struggling to catch my breath and talk through my ugly cry, I finally say, "I let my walls down and she left me".

Looking confused, Aria says, "Em what do you mean? Alison left you?"

My lip quivers as I nod my head yes.

Hanna reaches out and takes my hands. "Sweetie, tell us everything that happened" she says in a soft voice.

Taking a deep breath, still snuggled up in Spencer's arms, I tell them everything that happened that day starting from our date and ending with her walking out the door. After I finished, there was a few moments of silence while they collected their thoughts.

Going first, Spencer says, "Em, I first want to say that I'm so sorry that you're this sad. I've never seen you this broken. It feels like this cry has been a long time coming though. I know she hurt you, but I don't think she meant to. It sounds like it was painful for her too. She's been through a lot. More than most of us ever will. Those kinds of wounds take a long time to heal, if ever. Give her some time. I bet she'll come around".

"Yea Em. It sounds like it took a lot for her to open up to you like that. She obviously trusted you so you obviously mean a great deal to her. You probably just surprised her. I mean she knows you're a model. I bet she never even thought that this could have been a part of your life story. Most models don't fight in wars. Only bad ass ones like you" Aria said giggling, trying to make me laugh.

Hanna places her finger under my chin and guides my face to look up at her. "Emily. Look at me. I know this hurts. But I'm so damn proud of you for opening up the way you did. That shows a lot of growth. I agree with the girls. She doesn't sound like an awful person. She just sounds shocked and scared. I can't say I blame her for being afraid. I'd be cautious too of I was in her shoes. Em, just give her time. She'll come back to you".

Feeling exhausted and like I've cried every tear within me, I smile the best smile I can muster and say, " Thanks for being here guys. I really appreciate it. I'm gonna go to bed. All this crying has made me exhausted. Oh and there's food coming. Feel free to have it. It's already paid for".  I hug each of them before I slowly get up and head to my bedroom. I close the door and crawl under the covers. Within moments, I fall fast asleep.