Issues

Cycle

Walking around, admiring the place, and soaking in every detail, Hanna said, "So this is what's behind this door... Emily... this place is incredible. I had no idea you painted. And my God, you're so talented". Making her way over to me with a huge smile on her face, she continued, "Thank you for allowing me to come in here".

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't really mean to let her in here so I just smiled and hugged her. Maybe it was time for her to see this place though.

Hanna raised her eyebrows and gazed upon my newest creation. "Em, this... this is really something. It's beautiful. Who is she?" furthered Hanna.

Spinning around to face my painting I paused before I said, "Well... I... uh... I met someone".

Throwing me a snarky look, Hanna crossed her arms and said, "Emily, I love you, but you meet a lot of women. You sleep with a lot of women too".

"Hanna. I know that. But... this one's different" I continued with a smile on my face at the mere thought of her.

"Oh. Well thennnn. I have never seen this look on your face before. She really must be something. What's her name?" she asked.

Ringing my hands I looked at her with a nervous look and replied, "I don't know her name. We only met for a few minutes but...  no this is crazy. I'm being crazy". Suddenly, I feel a warm flood of embarrassment rush my cheeks and make me feel very vulnerable. I don't like this feeling.

Gently grabbing my arm to have me face her, Hanna replied, "Em. Don't get upset. I'm not judging you. I'm happy that you're this happy and excited. You know that's all I want for you. And plus, a name is easy to get. Where did you meet her?"

"We met at this place called Chrome. The bartender told me that she comes in every other day so I figured, based on that pattern, I'd try and see her again when we got back from the interview in Milan" I said with a hopeful smile.

"Of course! You promise me something though. You'll give me all the details once you have them correct? You know I love love" giggled Hanna.

It's been 5 weeks since I've been back from Milan. I've been to Chrome on the nights she usually shows up. I've even been on other nights.  I've tried different times too. The end result is always the same. She never shows. I've consulted with the bartender, Mark, who's now become a confidant of sorts. He promises he hasn't seen her since the night that we met each other and she had to leave. I believe him too. Over these weeks, my thoughts have run wild. Did I scare her away? Did she move away? Does she have a boyfriend now? Heck maybe even a girlfriend? I've had my good days where I keep the faith that she will walk through that door again. I've also had my bad days....well mostly bad days, where I get too drunk, get too sad,  get into arguments, have a panic attack from a flashback, or I take home some easy woman. Every time I behave this way, I wake up the next morning instantly regretting my behavior and subsequently hating myself for it. Cycling again sucks. I'm not liking this psychological state I've been in. I was better when the thought of her warmed me and made me want to be better. Hanna, Aria, and Spencer have been very supportive as usual, even when I lash out at them in anger. They all want me to find her again one day. They even look for her on the streets when they're going about their lives. Hanna has even convinced me to try dating. Not just sleeping with women. She thinks that even if it isn't the blonde, a perfectly wonderful woman could still be out there for me. Plus, it will be good practice to go out on dates for if the day does come when we meet again and potentially go on a date. Deep down, I know she's right. The thought just terrifies me though. The thought of being truly vulnerable shakes me to my core. I'd almost rather get shot out in the middle of the desert of Afghanistan than be so totally open with someone. That being said though, as ridiculous as it sounds, I have a spot at a speed dating event in the city this Friday.