Issues

Poison

Emily's POV

I cried the rest of the day till I couldn't cry anymore. I spent the day in silence in my misery and just watched the clock till I knew Alison would arrive. My eyes were puffy, swollen, and red. I constantly felt like I was seconds away from throwing up. As I sit on this couch, I watch the natural light in my apartment fade from bright and sunny to now dim and dark. I guess that's a fitting metaphor for my love story with Alison. Haunting foreshadowing if you think about it.

It's 5:59 pm and I'm sitting on the couch, waiting for my life to officially fall apart. A knock at the door stirs me from my thoughts and I instantly feel tears form in my eyes. I take a moment to compose myself before I open the door and see a cheery Alison standing in the doorway.

She smiles, steps forward, and hugs me saying, "Hey babe! God I'm so glad to be done with that class" before she casually enters my apartment and plops herself down on the couch.

I slowly shut the door and somberly walk over to the couch, feeling like I'm about to head into battle that I know I won't return from. I sit down next to Alison and can't seem to bring myself to look her in the eyes as she chatters on about her day. Between the horror I feel inside me and the gravity of what I'm about to do, I honestly can't even pay attention to what she's saying.

Her gentle hand on mine brings me back from my train of thought.

"Em, what's wrong? To be honest... and I'm not trying to be mean here.. but you look awful" Alison says squeezing my hand a little tighter.

This is the moment. It's finally here. The thing that I have been dreading all day. I feel a lump begin to form in my throat, almost like every fiber of my being is fighting to stop me from saying these awful words.

"Alison, we need to talk" I say quietly. I can't bring myself to look her in the eyes, but I can only imagine she's freaking out inside because I could feel her hand slightly jolt in reaction to the statement.

"Emily. Look at me. What's wrong?" Alison replies.

God I can't do this. I can't look her in the eyes while I shatter her heart into a million pieces. I finally decide to look in those beautiful blues because I know deep inside that it will only help sell what I'm about to say.

"I...I....I'm breaking up with you" I say simply.

Alison's hand quickly retreats from mine and a horrified look overcomes her once cheery face.
"What did you say?" she asks hoping she didn't hear me correctly.

I swallow that lump in my throat and repeat, "I'm breaking up with you".

A mixture of anger, sadness, and confusion forms across her beautiful face as she frantically says, "What?!?! Why?!?!? I... I don't understand!"

A pale pink flush highlights her cheeks as her lip begins to quiver and tears begin to form in her eyes.

"I'm not happy in this relationship and I don't see the point in continuing on living a lie" I say flatly while secretly dying inside.

Horror and confusion dominates her facial expression now as she gets up off the couch and starts pacing in my living room. "I..... I just don't understand.... Last night was so amazing... You treated me like your queen, you showered me with kisses... you... you couldn't keep your hands off of me" she exclaims loudly as she begins to rub her fingers over her temples, trying to comprehend the situation. "We made love last night. You were happy... I was happy... We were happy for God sakes! What the hell Emily?" she begins to yell at me.

I hate seeing her quickly unravel like this. I stand up from the couch and continue my awful lies. I need to make this swift and painful because I don't know how much longer I can do this without falling apart in front of her.

I take a deep breath, trying to fight back my screaming mind, body, heart, and spirit. "I've been faking it. I've been lying to you" I reply. "It's all been a game for me. A new challenge of sorts. I was getting bored with the slutty easy girls. They weren't fun to play with anymore. Then I met you. You were a challenge. All of this was just to get in your pants. That was the end goal. And now that I've achieved that, I'm bored and unhappy. You're a toy that's no longer fun to play with" I continue.

Alison looks at me like she's never looked at me before. The look in her eyes is nothing but pure, unadulterated pain. She stands there before me with her mouth open in disbelief as she processes my words.

"But... you said you loved me... You said you've never been happier... You told me all of those personal things about yourself" she says softly. I can practically hear her heart cracking. But it's not broken yet. In order for this to work, I need to obliterate her heart.

"I don't love you. It was just a thing I had to say so I could sleep with you and get what I was really after. It's all been a lie Alison". I take one deep breath and put the final nail in the coffin.

"I never loved you".

These words were like poison in my mouth and in my being. It was like I spit in the face of God. I've broken the both of us. In that moment, I heard Alison's heart shatter.

Alison looks at me as tears stream down her cheeks with nothing but emptiness in her eyes. I never wanted her to look at me like that. If this monster never came into our lives, I would have never let her go. But now I'm forced to lose her forever and I can feel myself losing my composure.

Suddenly, Alison yells through her sobs, "Why are you doing this?"

Shaking now, she sobs, "I can't accept this. I love you Emily and I know you love me".

Reaching out for me now, she pleads, "Please don't do this to me.... to us... I beg you. Can't you see you're breaking my heart?!"

In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to take it all back, tell her everything, apologize, and hold her close to me. But I couldn't. I had to pull away from her.

I pull away from her attempt to touch me and ultimately cause her to release a whimper from her lips. "Emily.... you're hurting me... can't you see it" she exclaims.

"I think I've said all there is to say Alison. I think you should go" I say barely holding on.

Alison steps back in disbelief. I can feel the once warmth love between us shift to ice cold pain and all encompassing emptiness.

Through her now silent sobs and sniffles, Alison quietly picks up her bag and heads for the door.

Hold on Emily. Just a few more seconds until you can fall apart again. The sight of her walking out my door again is an all too familiar feeling of pain. I hate this. She's broken. I'm broken.

Alison places her hand on the doorknob and stops. Turning her attention back to me, she pauses and then says, "You're going to regret this. This is your last chance. Once I walk out this door, you've lost me forever".

I remain silent even though my insides are screaming for me to run to her. After a few moments, Alison nods to herself with that awful pained look in her eyes and walks out my door.

That final click of the door was the last straw for me. I collapsed on the sofa in a fit of sobs. My body shook as I sobbed all alone on the couch. My chest ached in this God awful, indescribable way. This pain was too much for me to handle. I'd just done the most horrific thing to the woman I love because I love her and I had to let her go. I can never take this back. My once happy life now feels like nothing without her in it. In this moment, I feel like dying. That certainly must be to only way to find relief from this suffocating pain.