Issues

You

Emily's POV

It's the evening of my 6th night here. This is the darkest place I've ever been in my entire life. Even after war and losing Maya. This truly crippling depression and sadness that infests every cell of my body feels like it will never go away. Am I really destined to live my life as a shell of the person I once was? Is this my living hell... my penance for all the people I've killed in my lifetime? For all the women I've used for my pleasure? For all the destructive choices I've made in my life before Alison?

There hasn't been a soul around for days. It's just been me, this big ole house, and the expansive, blue ocean that never ceases to call to me and remind me of her. These past few days, I've been doing a lot of sitting around the house in silence, walking on the beach, crying, and thinking about Ali.

I left my apartment the night I blew up my life into a million little pieces. I needed to get away. The city and my apartment especially held too many memories. The memories of our love story were playing in my mind and simultaneously suffocating the space where my heart used to beat for Alison. Everything felt like it was caving in around me and so I had to escape. I had to breathe and I knew this would be the best place for me to come. This is always the best place for me to come. Even though this beach house in the Hamptons reminds me of my wonderful day here with Alison and the girls, it's just the right amount of comfort that I need. This place has always served as my sanctuary and my place to get right with my soul.

Reflection has been a common theme of my days here. I've thought about where I went wrong with protecting her. What did I miss? Where exactly did I fail her? I've thought about the quiet, intimate walk on the beach with Alison. Every sunset, I walk to the spot where we sat watching our first sunset together. Sometimes, I close my eyes and I can still feel her arm wrapped around mine with her head on my shoulder. The moment was so simple yet so pure. I think that's where I really began to fall for Alison. Every day since then and every little moment that followed culminated into this great love. I don't believe that I fell in love with Alison in a specific moment. It was the million little things of our time together that built my love. The foundation was set for something real and something lasting. It wasn't a phase. It wasn't just some crush. It was authentic and genuine. We were real.

With time, I could have seen myself buying the perfect ring, planning the perfect proposal, and asking her to be my wife. I could have loved her till my dying breath. Who knows. Maybe I will be loving her till my dying breath.... just not in the way that I'd hoped.

As I sit in the same spot, every evening, every sunset, my mind wanders to Alison. I wonder what she's doing right now. Is she preparing for work? Is she alone, crying on the couch? Is she getting drunk and hooking up with someone?

"Don't be silly. She's not that kind of girl. You know her better than that" I say to myself.

Now on cue, every evening, I close my eyes the moment before the sun dips behind the horizon. "I love you Ali. I always will" I whisper as if the words escaping my lips could travel in the ocean breeze and magically make their way to her ears.

There's a certain amount of peace that blesses a person's soul at the mere sight and sound of the ocean's majesty and rhythmic song. I'm finding said peace as I continue to sit on the powdery sand and watch the sky transition from bright and romantic to dark and enigmatic. The higher the moon rises in the night sky, the more I struggle with leaving this temporary relief and peace. The night time chill off the ocean eventually coaxes me back to the beach house where I'll settle for a fire in the fireplace.  When I can't stand the chill outside at night or sleep evades me, I find alleviation in the warmth and crackling sound of a fire. Trudging back towards the beach house through the loose sand, I realize that I forgot to leave a dim light over the kitchen table.

"This'll be fun seeing in the dark" I say to myself as I climb the steps to the back door. Thankfully, even in the pitch black house, my senses and my familiarity with the home guide me to the light switch across the room. Flicking on the dim dining table light, I head to the cabinet, pull out a wine glass, and make my way to the custom wine storage on the other side of the kitchen. Popping the cork, I mindlessly pour a hefty glass of wine and make my way to the living room to start the fire.

Within seconds, after gentle encouragement, a healthy fire begins to burn in the fireplace. I stand back a bit and admire the the simplistic beauty a fresh fire brings with it's warmth, fragrance, and soothing sound. A deep sigh escapes my mouth before I take a long, slow sip of wine, feeling it slide down my throat and warm my insides.

"I've always found fire to be so simple yet so powerful in it's lethality and complexity" says a cold voice suddenly behind me.

The hairs on the back of my neck instantly stand up at the sudden intrusion of privacy and security. The instantaneous fear I felt in that moment startled me and caused me to jump in pure fright. The full glass of wine I had tucked gingerly between my fingertips now exists in pieces and a soaked mess on the floor. This has to be the bastard that's ruined my life. Who else would it be? They've come to kill me... I'm sure of it.

I spin around to face this maniacal voice head on.

"YOU" I growl as soon as I identify the source.