Issues

Hesitancy

Emily's POV

I don't remember much about what happened from the time I lost consciousness after Jared saved me in the beach house. The only thing I remember was struggling to tell Alison that I love her. In that moment, I felt like I was about to die. I was coming to terms with my circumstance. I saw her beautiful face once more and I was able to express my feelings for Alison. If it was my time to go, then I honestly thought that I could die with peace in my heart.

Waking up from the coma was incredibly relieving though. That being said though, day by day, I grew even more frustrated that I couldn't seem to free myself from it's clutches. I was trapped in my own body. I could hear everything going on around me but I could never respond. Having to listen to Alison struggle was what pained me the most. Every time she cried, prayed for me to survive, or begged me to wake up, all I wanted to do was open my eyes and tell her that everything was going to be fine.

The night she crawled into bed with me and fell asleep in my arms, I hoped and prayed that she could feel me desperately fighting my way back to her. I believe that night was a turning point in my fight back to Alison. 

As my eyes are glued to the beautiful blues gazing back at me lovingly while trying to help me gain perspective, I can't seem to shake what I'm feeling in the deepest crevices of my heart.

Pain... Regret...Hesitancy... Fear... Love...

The culmination of emotions and thoughts brewing within me are causing me to question so many aspects of my life.

I love Alison more than anything. In turn, I am deeply ashamed at how horribly I failed her and broke her heart. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself even if she's forgiven me. I want nothing more than to get back to where we were before the devil entered our lives. But I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm a burden to her right now. I mean I'm a cripple. I'm completely dependent on help right now. My heart and my body need Alison to help me get through this time of uncertainty and changes. My pride on the other hand wants to shut her out. My pride and sense of shame over my actions and failures cripple my spirit. Even though I'm not in the angry stage of coping, I know it will come. Taking my anger and frustration out on Alison is the absolute last thing I want to happen. She's done nothing wrong and has already sacrificed so much for me all in the name of love.

Love. Can it really be magic? Can it really be the ultimate cure? I want to believe so, but pride, shame, guilt, and insecurities are also powerful, deafening voices.

As I stand here...no sit here... looking out the window, I can feel Alison's hesitancy in her gait as she fiddles around the apartment. I can feel how unsure she is about what to say or do next. Our once fluid and effortless communication now feels like shattered glass on the floor. I hate this. We're different now. I have no one to blame but myself. I did this and now I have to suffer the repercussions of my choices.

"Em" Alison asks suddenly from the sofa.

Still gazing out the window, I reply, "Yes Ali"?

"Do you want to take a bath? You know, shower off the hospital" she asks sweetly.

I pause for a moment to fully analyze the proposed situtation. It's such a simple question... if you have fully functioning limbs. I don't. I can't just step into the shower like I've done for so many years. I'm a cripple. I'm a burden. She'll have to pick me up, place me in the tub, and bathe me like a small child. That's humiliating even if she'd never intend it to be. Alison's heart is too pure, too kind, too gentle to ever mean to hurt me. The entire thought process brings tears to my eyes causes me to cry loudly in my wheelchair.

Rushing over to me, Alison falls to her knees and takes my hands away from my attempt to cover my face. "Emily, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to make you cry! I just thought you'd like to feel clean and get comfy. I never meant to upset you. I'm so, so sorry" she says now fighting back her own tears.