Ocean of Thoughts

This Is Why I'll Never Bring A Child To This Earth. My Father Ruined It For Me.

I'll never bring a child in this place called earth. I'm scared to marry the wrong man. I don't want a baby to go through watching her mother get beat. Never. I watched my mom getting punched and kicked. Slapped and spit on. I used to wake up, because my father slammed my mom on the bed. I still have nightmares of those nights. Where Mommy and Daddy were fighting and Daddy slapped Mommy across the face.
Those night turned into every night. And as a kid, you end up being terrified of your dad. And you pray your mom lives. Abuse isn't a joke. It really happens. And it become super real when you watch it happen.
My Father ruined this world for me, so that's why I say I don't want a kid. I don't. I refuse to bring a kid in this world. Where sex trafficking and abuse. Drug usage. And many more things happen.
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"Mommy?"

*light crying*

"Mommy, if your upset about daddy, he'll come home." Said my four year old daughter from the doorway.

As much as she said he would, thought, or wished, he wasn't this time.

"Daddy is going away for a while." I said pulling her on my lap. She started wiping my tears.

"Where's daddy going? Far away?"

"Yeah far away for a long long time." I explained. He was moving to California. We lived in Florida.

"Oh, where?" She asked.

"To a land to meet princesses!" I tried recreating her story books.

"But he's got the most beautiful two here." She said softly. "I guess he doesn't think I'm beautiful any more." Her little voice cracked.

"Hey, Hey... no, he told me 'No Princess is as. Beautiful as the one I've got at home.' "

"Daddy said that?!" She asked excited.

"Yeah, he said no Princess could ever top you."

"Is daddy really coming back mom?"She asked. This is one of the smarted for year olds ever.

"I can't promise, but I hope so."

"Me too Mommy, Daddy is supposed to keep us safe."

"I know." I whispered.

How could he leave her here like this. She'll always wait like I did. For Daddy to come home. To love her. And he never will.

____________________
*When's she's sixteen*

"Hey mom I'm going out."

"Another party I assume." Says my mom walking out.

"Yep with Tif and Jake."

"That abusive boyfriend of yours?" She asks.

"Stop worrying. He always apologizes."

"So did your father!" She bursts out.

"He hit you?" I asked.

"Yes... Lots of times, that's why I don't like Jake, he's a replica of your father."

"Yeah, but I love him." I said.

"And so did I your father." She said. I stayed silent. Praying that somehow I could get out to this party.

"Please get out of the relationship."

"It's to late mom, he's branded me. If I leave now. I'll get killed."

"I'll take it to court."

"His dad is a lawyer."

"Please try."

"Will do." I crossed my fingers.

"Bye."

"Please don't leave, your..." I was already out the door.

I walked over to the car containing Tiffany and Jake. Tiffany was driving, and Jake was in the back. I got in and Tif drove off.

"Ready to get wasted????!!!" She said laying on the horn.

I laughed pulling her hand away from the horn.

"Yeah, how bout you Babe?" I asked looking in the mirror.

"Yeah definitely ready." He said smiling at me. I smiled back. I believe there's good in him somewhere.

*2 hours after they arrived.*

We burst in the room shutting the door. We made out for a bit. Then suddenly Tif came out of no where. She tied me down. What the heck. She and Jake stripped me.

"No I don't want this." I said. Tif came up and stuffed a handkerchief in my mouth, tying it tight. She then continued to leave.

Jake raped me over and over. And no one heard, or came in to help if they did.

I became pregnant. I would never abort a baby. It has a heartbeat too. So I kept it. And Jake beat me. My mom became depressed, even more so then when dad left. That low life jerk.

*9 months later*

My mom found out she had cancer. I had my baby. And Jake abused me on the daily. He promised never to touch my baby. But he would not hold back on me.

*4 years later*

My mom passed two years back. My son was growing up just fine. Until...

"Mommy?"

*light crying*

"Mommy, if your upset about daddy, he'll come home." Said my four year old son from the doorway.

As much as he said he would, thought, or wished, he wasn't this time.

"Daddy is going away for a while." I said pulling him on my lap. He started wiping my tears.

"Where's daddy going? Far away?"

"Yeah far away for a long long time." I explained. He was moving to Minnesota. We lived in my mom's house in Florida. I started having flashbacks. This is almost the same questions I asked.

"Where?" He asked.

"To fight the dragons." I said

"Oh I could've have helped defeat them mom."

"Yeah, but Daddy didn't want you to get hurt baby."

"Yeah. Dragons could make pretty big boo boos." He said pointing to his scrape.

"Yeah, lets go to bed."

"Can I sleeping with you Mommy?" He asked rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah."

I should've listened to my mom. I shouldn't have went to that party. But then I wouldn't have Carson. But I wished I could've done it different. And ended up with a good guy and Carson.

I will never raise Carson to abuse a woman. He'll treat a woman with more respect than anyone I've ever known. Which really isn't saying much. But I'll raise him right.