Ocean of Thoughts

I'm Messed Up

I'm insecure
I'm depressed
But so what?

I'm still a human being
I've got feelings.

I cry.
I laugh.
I smile.
I pout.
I get angry.
I can be happy.

But what really makes me sad. Is everyone who is depressed and killed theirselves felt like there was no other way. Then their bullies apologize. They're already dead. Your already beef hooked (say it fast sounds like something else in a Irish accent.) you might as well not even apologize. It's over. If I would have shot myself. Or taken those pills. Or grabbed that knife. Or died in that car accident. I wouldn't be here. But someone made me feel like worthless enough to want to kill myself.

It's so sad that someone could cause that much f'ing pain. (Excuse my language.) like how can you sit there and watch you daughter, son, niece, nephew, friend, or enemy cry their eyes out.

I own 33% of a house now. I'm growing up.

Maybe one day I'll become strong and mighty. But right now I'm scared and helpless.

I'm scared of that man who ruined my view on being pregnant. Who ruined my view of a father.
When my step dad and my mom fight over something. (Doesn't happen a lot though) I'm always scared he's gonna leave. Because that man, the man that was supposed to be my dad ruined my view of marriage.

I'm scared of my stepdad adopting me, because what if they split. I'm scared of that.

Because of someone who is irrelevant to me.

I'm a f'ed up mess. And anytime someone asks me out. I ask, would you date a tornado, tsunami, or hurricane. And when they answer no. I tell them I'm all three. Anyone I've ever dated. Ever. I've torn into pieces.

I guess you can't change DNA. I'm just like that man. Anger issues. Destructive.

Okay maybe not totally like him. But I wished I didn't inherit those stupid problems. I blow up easy. Which makes it all the easier to break down.

I'm the hurricane. There's no rainbow. I've already destroyed it.