all the things I never got to tell you.

08

Where they live they do not desire and where they desire they do not love.
Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)

Dear Ashley,

I understand now why mom wouldn't tell me where you were. I understand now why she would always get sad or mad when I asked about you. I understand now why she started drinking. What I don't understand is why she took it out on me and grew distant. I don't understand why she stopped being my mom and started being someone I never thought she'd be.

Now that I'm in middle school, grandma explained to me why you never came around. For the longest time I thought you were still growing or that you were afraid to come meet me. I understand now that when mom came home sad, it was because you were gone. I almost wish she would've told me, but at the same time, it would've crushed my little heart.

Middle school sucks, the people here are so stupid and mean. I don't like the girls here, they all are stuck up and dumb. I really don't fit in here, I don't fit in anywhere. I like hanging out with Brooke, but she's two years older and goes to another school. Rain isn't so bad, but she's annoying too. Bailey moved away to Texas awhile back, so it's really just me here.

On the bright side, grandma Kim is the school secretary so I get to see her every day. I like her, she's really nice and she was in the Navy. Uncle Steve is in the Navy, he's gone all the time, I miss him. Uncle Zach and cousin Dustin are in the Army and they're always gone too, I miss them as well.

I really miss mom. I still live with her but I'm usually at grandmas or at dads. After school I watch Gavin and Leigh, Leigh is my little sister. I don't like watching them, they're annoying and loud. I like Gavin, he's closer to my age, but Leigh is just too much. I really think she's the spawn of Satan. At least I get paid every week to watch them, right now I'm saving up all my money.

I never see mom anymore. She's always out and about. If she's not at work she's with Shawn. If she's not with Shawn she's out at a friends drinking. She drinks a lot now.

Sometimes if I'm lucky she'll stay home and she'll make me dinner. I have a dog now, his name is Bandit and he's a Beagle. I really like him but he has a lot of energy. His old family was moving out of state and couldn't take him with them, so we got him for free. He's a lot of fun to take on walks and play with, but it's hard keeping up with him sometimes.

Bandit also likes to chew on my toys. He chewed up the remote to my remote controlled race car and now I can't use it anymore. He didn't even get in trouble for it, I did, which is totally stupid because he's the one that chewed it up. I think mom just wants a reason to yell at me. Maybe she just wants a reason to be mad in general.

In English we are writing papers about something that's happened in our lives. I'm going to write it about you and your story. I know you don't have a very long story, but you still have one and I'd like to be the one to share it.

Other people are writing theirs about stupid stuff like their summer vacation or move into a new house. I don't think those stories really have much meaning, but maybe they just don't live meaningful lives. I guess though that everyone's life has a meaning, and I am not the person to say if it does or not. I just think that people could write better stories, something that is moving and had a big impact on their life, not where they went over the summer, something they'll forget in a few years anyways.

Ashely, I know that you're gone. I know that you'll never read any of these or hear what I'm saying, but I still feel the need to write you. I still miss you every single day, I still think about you. Some days I try and imagine what you'd look like if you were here. I try to picture what kind of personality you would have and what your favorite things to do would be. I try to imagine the fights we'd have and how stupid they'd be. Sometimes I wish it was me instead of you.

Sometimes I wish that some how I took your place and you got to experience the world. I don't even like this world and I'm stuck here. I'm stuck here with a mom who's never around, with a dad who works all the time, and friends who I never get to see. I'm stuck here being judged by everyone and looked at like I'm weird because I'm different. I'm not like these people, I'll never be like them. They don't care about anything but themselves and their looks.

I don't understand the need they have to dress up for school. We're literally here for a couple hours a day to learn. It's not a fashion show or see who can dress the best thing. I guess I don't understand these people though, I don't think that I even want to.

I'd rather die in a dark hole than know what happens in their minds. Maybe I should die. Maybe the world would be better without me. Maybe mom would actually be happy and would smile more often. Maybe I'd finally be happy.
Sincerely,
Jesi