all the things I never got to tell you.

10

Stolen sweets are best.
Colley Cibber (1671-1757)
The River Fools

Dear Ashley,

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know if I can keep going on like this. I just don't know. It's not school, school is fine, class is my only escape from it all. The people here aren't great, but we'll get to that later. It's just I can't escape myself anymore, I have taken up reading and music, I've always liked the two, in elementary I read all the time, I read every single Goosebumps books there are, but lately books and music are my only way to get lost in another world so I don't have to endure this one. I don't know  if this is a good or bad thing yet, right now maybe it is fine, but I'm afraid that if this is my only outlet from life then I'll lose all other connections to the real world and won't want to return.

Back to the students here, they do not like me. Don't get me wrong, I am acquainted with everyone in this school, I just can't shake this feeling that I am unliked. Maybe it's the fact that there is someone writing about me in the girls bathroom stall, calling me horrible things and saying I've done these awful things. I know I haven't done these things, and the people who actually know me do as well, but it's still hurtful that someone would go to theses lengths to hurt me. The only humorous thing about it is the fact that they're too scared to say it to my face, they'd rather write it on a puke green bathroom stall. I know that I scare some people in this school, I don't say that to brag, I say it because it's true. I have a reputation of being brutally honest and aggressive. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't go around intentionally hurting people, the only time I have put my hands on someone is when they touch me inappropriately. For instance, a guy slapped my ass in the hallway (I will leave out his name) but in response I punched him in the gut and then proceeded to kick him where the light does not shine. I was called to the office for this and I discussed it with the vice principal, while he thinks I shouldn't have taken matters into my own hands, he understood why I did what I did and was happy I stood up for myself. I didn't get a warning, just a "stern" talking to, Mr. Meyers honestly didn't give a shit neither did Mr. Moore.

Sadly, this kid wasn't punished either, not that I care, I took care of it. On another hand, I did share gym period with this guy. During class he would always make comments about my appearance and say things one shouldn't say to a young woman. I took care of that too, I started wearing steel toe shoes to school and each time he'd make a remark, I'd send a kick to his shins. For awhile he didn't back down but I think he got tired of the bruises and the gym teachers not saying anything about it. After that, it became glances and the occasional comment but at that point I didn't care.

However, back to what I was discussing earlier. These writings in the bathroom stall really hurt my feelings. It got to the point where everyday in gym class, sixth period, I would ask to be excused to use the restroom to see the new markings. And every single time there was something new. And every single time I was going to the office to tell my grandmother about it so the janitor could clean it yet again. I never told her the writing was about me, I always informed her that kids had been writing in the bathroom stalls and then went on my way. After awhile I started to pretend these markings didn't hurt my feelings, but my friends, well one friend, could tell otherwise. She even went as far to write about herself on the same stall door to make me feel better. At the time I didn't know it was her writing about herself, I thought people wanted to take her down with me and it really upset me. Later that summer she told me the truth and I couldn't have been more surprised or happy. Both feelings were stemmed from shock that she would do such a thing for me. I think that was a turning point for our friendship.

Our new profound friendship didn't mean I shared my dark thoughts with her, however. If anything it made me keep them from her more because she had done such a wonderful thing for me and I didn't want her to know that I was still hurting inside from other problems. Rain and I had always been really close, we have always known about each other's home life but never all of it. I've never even bothered to ask her about some stuff at home, I know she'd tell me if it were serious even though I wouldn't do the same.

*

Ashley, I don't know why I title these journal entries "Dear Ashley" when I know that you can't really receive them or that you'll ever read them. I guess I just want to pretend that someone hears me, that my voice isn't void or non-existent. I just want to be heard, I just want you to be here. I don't want to be alone anymore. I feel like we would've been so close, like we would've been more like best friends than sisters.

Some days I don't think about you, I forget you even were a possibility. Not that I want to forget you, but those days seem to be easier, a little bit brighter. Instead of thinking of the "what if's" I'm thinking about the present and my future. Most days though, you are on my mind, hidden in the back, tugging on my walls, trying to break them down. Those days are hard. Those days I'm not always sure I will make it throught the day.

Most of the time I try to go to school, but it's too hard, I don't want to face the world, I just want to be alone in my room, locked away. I usually end up calling home or staying home period. Mom doesn't really care and I don't tell dad when I miss school, I don't want to see the look of disappointment wash over his face. Mom doesn't care because when I stay home, I take care of myself and usually stay in my room reading or drawing. As long as I pick up after myself, it seems to be okay. Then, when school is about out I walk to my brothers school to pick him up and then back to dads to watch the kids until they arrive. It's a simple process really. Plus, I don't mind walking, I actually really like it.

I'm really sorry you didn't make it into this world. I'm sorry for being selfish and only thinking of my feelings and not yours or mom's or Shawn's. They just seem to have accepted it and moved on, if they haven't then their really good at hiding it, just like me.

                                                Sincerely,

                                                             Jesi.