all the things I never got to tell you.

45

Soon she won't object to the fingers that stray under her skirt-hem and linger at her lightly knotted waistband; when her eyes are dreamy and her breathing's harsh, send the servants away.

Mallyana Vatsyayana (2nd century)

The Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana, 2nd century

Dear Ashley,

This is the first year I won't be able to come see you on your birthday. You'll be 15 this year, how crazy is that? What's even more crazy is that I'll be 19 and still living in Japan. There's so much I want to tell you about the world, so much I want to teach you and show you. When I moved it never dawned on me that I wouldn't see you for a few years, you honestly never crossed my mind.

Maybe I thought I had moved on, maybe I thought you were someone I let go of and maybe I thought that the idea of never seeing you again wouldn't hurt me. But let's be honest, I wasn't thinking about anyone but myself. I wasn't thinking about you, I wasn't thinking about my friends or my family, I was thinking of me. I don't feel selfish for this, it makes me happy that I'm finally living for myself and not for others, that I can make my own choices about my own life. I'm sorry though, I really am, I never said goodbye, but I don't think I'm ready for goodbye, I never will be.

The other day, you crawled into my head and I haven't been able to shake you out since. I can only think of the impact you had on my life, it was such a big one. After you my world completely changed, and not for the good. I was young at the time but I had a dream, and that was to be your role model and show you the ins and outs of the world. I was young and thought nothing could go wrong, hell, I didn't even understand what wrong was then.

Once you left she wasn't the same, she grew distant and kept away. I was young, sad and alone, and I stayed that way for a very long time. I've always thought about what could've been, I've always thought about the what ifs and the possibilities that roamed free, I've always thought about what if it was me. Now your birthday is edging closer and I can't help but fall back into the depression I was once in, I can't help but think of the daisies I can't bring you, the gifts I can never give you and the love I can never share with you.

I was meant to love you and guide you through life. We were meant to fight with each other and make up over cookies and cartoons. You were supposed to annoy the heck out of me because you looked up to me and I was supposed to push you around and toughen you up. We were meant to share secrets and play games together. We were meant to play dolls and ride go-carts together and play in the mud only to wash it off by dancing in the rain, instead I did all that by myself. But I guess the world wasn't ready for that, ready for you, maybe I wasn't either, but I never got the chance to figure that out.

Life has been a rough journey for me, so much has happened, I feel like I am living in A Series of Unfortunate Events. I don't know if I am proud of all that has happened in my life, or all that I have done, but I don't regret anything. It has all led me to this moment, this very moment.

Ashley, for awhile I resented you, I hated that you left me in this cruel world alone, for this I apologize. I realize now that I was wrong to feel these things towards you. I should have never have thought those things. If anything, I should thank you. You are the whole reason I do what I do, write, create, imagine things no one else does. Without you this story wouldn't be possible. Without you I wouldn't have found myself as a person or look at life the way I do. You are my inspiration, my light at the end of the tunnel. I don't hate you, I love you, with all that I have. I am happy that you were ever a possibility, that you were a chance and not just a figment of my imagination. While I wish that you never left us, I am grateful you did, I wouldn't change things. I am finally happy with myself and my life.

I will never forget you, and I might never move on. However, I won't let the thought of you hold me back from the world. I am going to spread my wings and become the me I want to be. I will reach my full potential and I will make everyone, including you proud. I know that everyone is already proud of me, but I don't want that to stop.

Thank you, Ashley, for everything. For listening to my prayers, my cries for help, and my pleads for you to change spots with me. You have always been there in my life, and you always will be. I cannot thank you enough for all that you have done for me.

3.16.17

Sincerely,

J Graham