all the things I never got to tell you.

22

Immodest creature, you do not want a woman who will accept your faults, you want one who pretends that you are faultless - one that will caress the hand that strikes her and kiss the lips that lie to her.
George Sand (1804-1876)
Intimate Journal; 1834

Dear Ashley,

Two days until I am sixteen... woohoo. Please note the sarcasm. I am not excited for my birthday, if anything I everything but excited for it. Four years ago a promise was made to me by a once special person. They promised to come back and see me I on my sixteenth birthday, and well.. they lied. I should have seen it coming. And he would have the same name as the boy who tried to take me for granted... Garry, Gary. Spelt differently, both people, boys, that I despise.

I found out that a very beautiful and amazing person who I am close with has recently been taken advantage of... this lights a fire within me. Why are some boys so disgusting? Don't answer that.

I still don't feel like I am good enough... not even for the boyfriend, Tristen, I have had for almost seven months now. Wow, I am pathetic. Aren't I?

I haven't told him that I cut recently or that I ever have. I am afraid to tell him because I am just so sad lately, I know that he would understand, yet I am still terrified. I love him so much, he is literally the perfect boyfriend and I have been crushing on him since my freshman year. I am so afraid to lose him, so afraid that he will stop loving me. It's like he is in some sort of trance right now and he doesn't really want to date me or know what's going on.

I just don't understand the point to living anymore. Honestly, I don't. I often find myself getting books and reality mixed up, which is frustrating and I hate it so much. However, I must pull up my pants and suck the shit up like a "big girl" would do. "Never let them see you cry, for this satisfies them."

Date Unknown

-JH-