all the things I never got to tell you.

09

Longing chains me.
Indian Live Song; 1883

Dear Ashley,

I'm sorry that I don't like myself. I know I should be grateful that I'm even alive. I just can't help but wonder that the world would be like if I wasn't here. If I am even significant to this place. I just don't understand this society.

Things are so messed up in the world, and I can't do a thing to change it. Not that it would matter really, if I did try. The most I can do is give advice to those who are lost. Kind of funny how I can help others but not myself. I wish I could help mom, I just want her to be happy.

She's still beautiful, with long curly hair and exotic green eyes. She still has a fire in her soul, I think that's what keeps her going. I think maybe mom is lost too, like me. Maybe she's confused and needs to find the right path. She's home more often now, and we've been getting along more but things just aren't the same.

I think mom and me are more like friends than anything. She doesn't really treat me like a kid, she expects me to be an adult already. Dad expects this too.

It's really hard living up to their expectations. It's hard living in their shadows. Their both such amazing and well built people, I don't know if I'll ever be like them or if I'll ever make them proud. Dad says he's proud of my grades, mom doesn't really care as long as I'm passing.

Billie is nice, I really like her. She still lets me be a kid but treats me like an adult, which is nice. Billie is the most kind person I know, I don't think I've ever seen her angry. If she was angry, it wasn't with me, it was with Gavin or Leigh. They don't really listen much and they talk back a lot. I don't do that, I'm respectful to mom, dad and Billie. I couldn't imagine not being respectful to them, Billie most of all.

Right now my favorite classes are gym, math and english, in that order. I like gym because I'm really good at it, I've always loved running around and working out. Math I like because I'm good at that as well, I just don't like showing all my work. I really like english because I like writing and making stories. Making stories is easy, you make up everything in your head, something I've always done.

This weekend I'm staying over at Brooke's, Bean for short. I don't know how she got that nickname, but I like calling her that. Bean and I get along very well despite our age gap. I like hanging out with her because we always have so much fun. Usually we play Bratz all day and night but sometimes we'll go to the park or jump on the trampoline. If we're lucky her dad will let us ride on the go-cart around the yard. I like going really fast.

I think I like the go-cart because you can go fast in it like dad does in his mustangs. Dad always is buying different mustangs, he's even taken one apart and completely rebuilt it. I like hanging out in the barn with dad and his friends, they're a lot cooler than my friends. They all know so much about cars and building stuff, which is awesome.

I want to work on cars just like my dad does. He doesn't do it for a profession, it's just a hobby of his, something that makes him happy. I can't wait until I can drive one of his mustangs, it would be so much fun. I know how to drive, I just can't drive a manual. Billie has been teaching me how to drive in her Jeep. Usually we'll go to the cemetery or out in the country where aunt Bobbie and uncle Eric live. I think driving is fun, but it can be scary.

I want a jeep just like Billie's for my first car or maybe a pickup like dads. I really like dads pickup, it's big and loud and goes really fast.

Ashley, can you see me? Do you look down at me and mom and protect us? I think you do, but I just want to know for sure. Sometimes at night I pray to you, can you hear me talking? I really hope you can, I know you can't reply back but there's comfort in just knowing you got my message. I pray to you at church too.

Sometimes I ask God why he took you. I don't understand why he'd take an innocent baby. I know he always has a plan and everything he does has a purpose but it just frustrates me. I really wish I could've at least met you. I had all these plans for us and all the games we'd play. I wanted to teach you all the things I know and show you how to have fun.

I'm glad I have Gavin and Leigh though, they're not always insufferable. Sometimes we all get along and play games outside. I like it when we all get along, usually Leigh is the one to ruin it by throwing a fit. She really believes that she's the princess of the house, she's not. However, she does always get what she wants, and she always gets the attention because she's the youngest.

The thing I don't like is that she always wants to be around me and my friends when we're at dads. She always wants to go wherever we go, it's so annoying. I hate it because dad makes me let her hang out with us, we can't do anything after that because we have to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. God, I hate her sometimes, she's so frustrating.

I don't understand why I can't just hangout with my friends or just be alone sometimes. I really would like the peace and quiet so I can read or listen to music. Leigh is always taking my stuff and ruining it, and she doesn't even get in trouble when she does. I always end up getting a lecture about keeping my room tidy or keeping things out of her reach. I shouldn't have to do that, they should control their little devil spawn.

Ugh, why can't adults adult better? Why do I have to adult? I just want to be a kid and do normal kid things.

             Sincerely,
                         Jesi.