all the things I never got to tell you.

28

It is not enough to conquer, one must know how to seduce.
Voltaire (1694-1778)
Mérope; 1743

Dear Ashley,

I promise that this entry won't be about Tristen.. at least I don't think so right now.

Getting to the point, I can't help but think so much now that Tristen is in BMT... sorry, it might have a little to do with him. All my time that I used to spend talking and hanging out with him is now spent writing and thinking. I have a lot of time on my hands.

Let me just get this out of the way, oh my fucking god do I miss Tristen with my whole heart and being.

Okay, that is out of my system now. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about life, mine to be more specific. I've been thinking about when I told my parents, Dad and Billie, that I don't believe in God anymore. We had just got out of third service of church and went out to eat. After ordering our food we sat down at a table and waited to be served. Out of the blue, Billie asked me, "Jesalique, do you believe in god?" My answer of course was, "No, I don't," which infuriated my father. The rest of our meal was silent along with the car ride home.

After giving my father a while to cool down I went out on the porch to talk to him about it, knowing that he would want to sooner or later. This discussion led to me being kicked out of the house. Now let me remind you that I started living with my father my sophomore year due to me and my mother butting heads and fighting all the time.

Anyway, I spent that summer staying at different places. I stayed with friends and random family all over. By the end of the summer, my father let me move back in on the condition that no matter my beliefs, I go to church every single sunday until the day I moved out.

The following years were brutal to me to say the least. Most of the time I slept during church or made jokes with my uncle Eric. I never sat near my father or in front of him, I didn't want that icy glare on the back of my head, I like my head too much.

While me and my father butted heads about church, we were still very close. He was the person I could look up to. He taught me to be a good person and made me want to do good in the world. While I don't think I will ever fully understand my father, I can say that I respect him with everything I have. He has never lied to me about the person he was before, while he waited to tell me until I was older, unlike my mother, he never lied. When he told me the truth it was the full truth with all the ugly details. He's an honest man, unlike my mother.

Speaking of mother. Ashley, she is not a good person, I love her, I swear that I do, but I do not respect her as a person. She is married to a terrible man. One night when I was dropped off there, so I could spend time with her, she wasn't even home when I got there. She was out and about with Kevin. Not only that, I walked into a living room with a pot tree growing in it. I confronted her about it and how that shouldn't be out in the house or even be being grown she simply shrugged it off and went about life.

Kevin, that's his name, the horrible man she married. He is a scary person, but a little one, he is just barely taller than me and has fat and muscle. Anyway, to the point. One night him and mother were fighting, I thought it was like any other fight they had so I brushed it off and turned the T.V. up. However, shortly after I heard mom being thrown up against the door and a faint sound of hitting. Ashley, she was begging him to get off of her, she sounded so scared and hurt. I tried banging on the door and busting it down but it was locked and even if I had picked the lock, which I am very good at, I wouldn't have been able to get in because he had her against it. So I went to the bathroom door that connects to their room, that was locked too, I had to pick the lock, my hands were shaking so bad and my mind was racing. Bailey was in the livingroom scared to death, ready to call the cops. When I got in the room I fought with all my might. I punched him repeatedly in the back until he let mom go.

He then went after me and threw me into the door and gripped my wrist hard. I punched and kicked and yelled at him repeatedly. Mom was crying in the corner telling him to stop, pleading for him to just go, but he wouldn't budge. That's when I yelled for Bailey to call the cops. He immediately flew out of the room and tracked down Bailey. He took all of our phones and hid them, even the home phones. Then he left the house. I don't think I have ever been more thankful to have an Ipod, because he took that thinking it was my phone. Once he was out of the house I called 911 and told them what happened and our address.

Ashley, I can't believe mom took him back after that. I never told dad everything that happened, I knew he'd kill Kevin if I did. I just told him I defended myself, mom and Bailey. I'm so happy that I don't back down when I am scared. I have the fight instinct when it comes to flight or fight. I get that from both mom and dad.

To this day I know I will always despise Kevin, in that moment he showed his true colors and I will never forget them. I still get in between his and mothers fights and every single time he gets in my face I get even more in his face and he backs down.

Billie, my stepmom, is amazing. I am so glad that her and my dad married. They are perfect for one another, they balance each other out. Billie is like a flower, she is beautiful and delicate and doesn't look like she could harm a soul. The few times I have seen Billie mad it was crazy. I don't like when she is mad, it is out of character for her. Yet, Gavin and Leigh still find new ways to get on her nerves every single day. I love Billie with all my heart and she is like a mother to me, a real mom who is there for me and supports me no matter what.

Gavin is one of my best friends, while we may butt heads, we always make up and laugh it off. He helps me with outfits and gives me advice on things. Usually at night, even on school nights, we will hang out in one of our rooms and play video games or just sit and listen to music, we also talk a lot and joke around. I am very thankful to have Gavin as a brother.

Leigh is a whole different story. She is evil and vindictive. She is and will always be the devil's spawn, but I wouldn't want her any other way. While she may take my things and get on my nerves, I still love her with all my heart and I am happy to call her my sister and family.

I am so grateful for all my family and friends, but most of all I am grateful to have Tristen in my life.

Date Unknown

Jesalique JD Hires