Before we go

chapter 6

----a few hours later after the fight----

"Lou?" i ask and he looks over at me. i must have a confused look on my face because he looks at me with a worried and curious look. "how long were you looking for me for?" i ask and he looks up at the ceiling thinking.

"um about a year and a half why? he asks being the one with the confused look.

"i was looking for you too, after the X-Factor. i couldn't do what simon wanted. i couldn't do it at all. i was at the brits waiting for you but then fangirls and guards were pushing me away. i was at every appearance hoping you would see me at some point. it didn't work obviously but i still had hope. then i was disconnected from the outside world and simon kept a body guard with me at all times. because he knew that i would lie to go see you guys."

"but there wasn't anyone with when we ran into you at the shop." niall says confused and i nod.

"he was outside, trust me hes always there except at night, he goes home to his family, that's why i said dinner not lunch or breakfast or anything like that in public. my uncle doesn't want me anywhere near you guys. he wants me unconnected from everything. he thinks i will ruin you guys, with all that ive been through, he thinks im going to ruin everything that he has built for you with one appearance and hes more worried about his image than he is about me. i seriously could have committed suicide and he wouldn't even know it. i would of gotten away with it if that stupid guard wasn't there." i say but whispering the last part to myself.

"wait what?" Louis asks and i look up and see all the guys looking at me with shocked expressions and tears in their eyes.

"im sorry." i say and take off to the stairs. i run into the room that the boys had me in before and lock it. i slide down the door and start bawling. the boys start to bang on the door and when i hear the movement of a key or someone trying to pic the lock, i get up and move the chair from the vanity and perch it against the doorknob. i look around the room and see a en-suite. i walk over to it and walk in. it has another door and it can lock from this side. so i lock it as well and perch the desk chair against it. i look around the en-suite, i see a razor sitting on the sink and walk over to it. i haven't done this in a long time, but the actions are still fresh in my mind. i pop one of the blades out and run it in hot water just in case someone has used it. and i line it on my wrist. digging it in my skin and dragging it calms me.

i do the same a few more times. and clean my wrist up. i make sure that there isn't any blood anywhere and hide the blade in the case of my phone. ive done it before so theres already a indent inside but it doesn't show outside. i walk out and see a balcony and walk over to it opening the doors. i close the doors behind me and sit down on one of the chairs. sitting cross legged on the chair i stare out into the distance. i start to think of the reasons i wanted to leave forever, when i wanted to never wake up. that night is so fresh in my mind its like it happened yesterday.

Flashback

"LEXY!" i hear simon shout up to me. i just got out of the shower after cutting and crying. i miss Louis so much. i walk down after getting dress real quick and he smiles a fake smile at me and i give one back. "this is james, hes a friend of mine and hes going to guard you from now on from 6 am to 7:30 pm. hes going to stop you from going to see one direction, since you aren't doing what i said."  he says and i nod sadly. simon leaves and james and i sit down and just talk. he tells me about his family and himself and i do the same. we got really close in that time. he understood where i was coming from with wanting to see the boys. i understood that i had to give up all my dreams so he could keep his job. hes the dad ive always wanted.

i go up to my room after talking to him. i tell him everything except about my cutting and suicidal thoughts. as i go to my room realizing that i have to give up everything and just deal with never seeing my best friends/ family, and the love of my life again. so i go over to my closet. i see the rope i bought a while ago for some project i was going to do but forgot about and grabbed it. i tied a knot in it with a loop on my end. i step onto my chair and tie the rope to the ceiling fan put it around my neck. just as i was about to step off and take my last breath, james knocks walks into the room. he freezes but soon snaps out of it and runs over to me and takes the rope off.