truth or dare // phan au

seventy

everything around me is dark.
everyone's wearing dark grays and blacks, and fancy shoes and ties, and some have flowers.
i like flowers. phil liked flowers.
i brought flowers. red ones. roses.
they smell nice.
the funeral is slow. and quiet. even when people are speaking, everything sounds muttered. like we're under water.
phil's mum asked me to speak.
i said yes.
i wrote stuff down to talk about, but i don't think i'm gonna use any of it. i am going to say whatever i feel like saying. that's more genuine, and i feel like anything else would sound fake, rehearsed.
i walk past the people in depressing colors, and try not to throw up. i feel nauseous. i don't think i can do it. i don't think i can look at him.
i feel myself go 10 shades paler as i walk towards the front of the large church room.
my knees wobble, i feel my throat go dry, i try to swallow.
i step up to the podium next to phil's body.
i force myself not to look. i brush the curls out of my eyes, and blink the tears away.
"uhm, hi. i'm dan-" i stop.
phil's dad slips into the room through the door in the back, we momentarily make eye contact until he looks away. he sits down next to ms. lester.
"i was phil's boyfriend." i put emphasis on 'boyfriend'. his father glares at me. "i loved him. so much, he was... my everything... i uh... we uh, met at this party, he was dared to kiss me." i smile for a second, and look over phils mum sitting in the corner next to his dad, she's crying, even more than i am.
"so, uh he did. he kissed me. i uh, had that feeling, y'know that feeling, it's like, fireworks. it feels like your like flying." nearly everyones crying, but none as much as me or phil's mum.
"i really did love him... when..uh...he got sick... i was there, i was there for him-oh god. i'm- i'm sorry." i start shaking and tears well up in my eyes.
ms. lester gets up and walk towards me, she pats my back and sits me down in a chair next to her.
"thank you, honey. thank you." she manages to say in between sobs. she hugs me, i hug her back.
the rest of the funeral is kind of a blur. i remember is drinking.
and i remember seeing him.
i saw him.
i saw his face.
he was so pale.
so, so pale.
his dark hair was gently brushed over his forehead, his eyes closed, and he was wearing a suit.
it was a nice suit, dark blue, with silver buttons and a black tie.
i couldn't take it.
i just kept pouring more and more and more of the horrible, burning alcoholic liquid down my throat, until someone stopped me. i remember throwing up, until i couldn't any more, and crying. so fucking much, so much crying.

a/n: this is almost over, so you won't have to deal with my horrendous writing much longer