truth or dare // phan au

eighty-one

dan's pov

i throw my phone across the room.
fucking pj.
fuck.
i don't blame him, i'm the worst, but... fuck.
that really hurt. like emotionally.
well, the pain will all be over in... a few minutes? i think?
hopefully.
i close my eyes and take a few deep breaths.
i'm doing it.
okay.
okay...
this is okay. i'm okay with this. i'm ready. i've seen everything i need to see, i said goodbye to peej, im good, right?
why do i feel so wrong?
...
i open my eyes. i realize.
this feels wrong. i don't want to die. i don't want to fucking die.
i start to panic.
shitshitshit!
i sprint to the bathroom. i have to get these pills out of me.
i'm hyperventilating. fuck!
i try to throw up into the toliet.

"come on," i mutter. "come on."

"please, please, i don't wanna die."
i don't know who i'm talking to.
god? i've never really believed in him. i guess dying really brings out the faith in you.

"pleasepleaseplease." jesus, i don't want to die. i want to live.
i want to go outside, in the sun, on a warm day, go to the beach, swim! i love swimming! or tan on the sand, and get a terrible sunburn and have super red peely skin for weeks, even that sounds fantastically great right about now.
i want to play in the snow like when i was little. i want to build snowmen and decorate them in my dads hats and scarves.
i want to dance in the rain. i used to play in the mud for hours, making mud pies and writing my name in the dirt.
i want to be happy like that. i just want to be a stupid, happy kid.
when did things get so hard?
...
i vomit, my throat is burning. a lot. it hurts so bad, but i know that i need to get these out.
a few tears slip out of my eyes and fall around me.
...
after a while, my stomach is completely empty and i don't feel great, but i'm definitely better than i was before. mentally and physically.

i crawl back into bed. might as well try to get some sleep, right?

a/n: sorry i haven't updated in so long! school is really kicking my ass right now.  i apologize for this shitty update, thanks anyways for reading and all your votes and comments! see ya next time i update this piece of shit 💕