The Bucket List [#Wattys2018]

Chapter Thirty One: Hanging on The Edge of a Hangover

"Some days, I feel everything at once. Other days, I feel nothing at all. I don't know what's worse: Drowning beneath the waves or dying from the thirst."
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I wake up on my couch with a splitting headache. My hand instantly flies up to my forehead and I feel a washcloth on it.

I grumble and my hand drops.

What happened last night?

And then I remember.

I remember crying, telling Liam about getting raped, looking at pictures of Amy, drinking, kissing Liam...

Oh my gosh.

I kissed Liam.

Regret and guilt wallows in the pit of my stomach.

Amy probably saw that.

"Amy I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, It was an accident, I was drunk, he pushed me away, he loves you Amy."

I hope she can hear me.

I stand up and feel the blood rush to my head. I don't feel too well. I think I'm going to hurl. I run to the bathroom and lean over the toilet, puking.

I reach for the toilet paper to wipe my mouth before brushing my teeth to make sure my mouth was clean.

I stare at myself in the mirror. I know who I am but at the same time, I don't know.

I don't feel like myself anymore.

And everything feels like its in a bad dream, that sooner or later, I'll wake up. And Amy will be alive, Paul will just be an old memory, nothing ever happening, my lips never kissing Liam.

Maybe I'd finally be happy, me and Amy would continue the Bucket List, Her and Liam could have raised the baby. Maybe I'd be dating Chris. Maybe I'd let him in, let Bridgette in.

But this is real, somehow, this is real. And it's a living nightmare.

I turn out of the bathroom and walk over to my dresser, throwing on a pair of pajamas and laying back on the couch with a bowl of cereal.

Last time I had a hangover, which only happened twice, then and now. Me and Amy had ate cereal while watching tv at my house.

I wonder if I should buy back the house?

I reach for the remote and turn on Cartoon Network.

Yes, I know I'm an adult, but that still means I can watch cartoons.

I mean, who doesn't like Teen Titans Go!?

Knock knock knock.

What if it's Paul?

"Who is it!?" I call. "It's Liam!" I pause the show and put my cereal on the table before going to unlock the door.

"Liam, I'm sorry about last night." I apologize.

"Amanda, it's okay, you were drunk."

I'm really glad Amy found Liam, he's so understanding. And is a really nice guy.
He always felt like a brother to me, and now the guilt is back because I kissed him.

I nod.

"I wanted to show you something." Liam says, sitting down beside me on the couch. He pulls out a light pink box from his pocket and opens it with one swift movement. Inside is a rose gold ring with a kite shaped diamond and one circular small diamond on each side of it.

I gasp. "It's beautiful."

Then it registers in my mind.

"When were you going to ask her?" I ask, a lump beginning to form in my throat.

"The day of the accident." His watery eyes cast downwards and he studies the ring, then closes the box.

The snap of the box cuts through the silence that's beginning to fill the room.

I reach out and lay my hand on his. "She was the luckiest girl in the world Liam, you treated her like the princess she is, thank you." He looks up at me, with tears beginning to form in his eyes.

"You were her best friend, her first love. You gave her love before I did. You were like her sister, I've never seen a bond between two people like you've had. She loved you so much Amanda. And...The Bucket List you girls were doing, she wouldn't want you to stop. Amy had such a daring personality, she loved adventure, and I know she wanted you to love it too. And I know she wanted you to fall in love. I know you're scared Amanda after what happened, but don't be scared to fall in love, because it's a great feeling."

Liam stood up, giving my hand a squeeze.

"If you ever need anything, I'm here."

And then he left.

I think about the ring.

I'm never going to get to see my best friend get married.

And my gosh that hurts.

My head starts hurting again, maybe I should take an aspirin.

When I open the pill bottle it reminds me of when I was going to take all the pills.

Maybe I....

I cut off the thought.

And I take only one pill.

I'm proud of myself now.