365 Days

April 3rd 2016

April 3rd 2016...

I've decided these entries aren't always gonna be stories of what happened on this day. Cause if I'm being completely honest, I don't remember anything about the first 11-ish days of April last year.

So tonight, I'll be talking about today. Not today one year ago. Today.

Well, maybe a little of both.

On April 3rd 2016, I was thriving as I walked through the day with ease. Jess and I were over two years into our relationship, happily, easily, and every problem we had was hardly a problem at all, now that I'm looking back.

Yes, we were both stressed. As I said yesterday, he was consumed with appointments and medication and diagnosis and whatnot with Dr. Carlson. Meanwhile I was being dragged down by the high schoolers at LCHS when we practiced for the play.

I had no idea how non-problematic those problems really were.

April 3rd 2016, Jess was deep into therapy for the trauma and brain damage he'd suffered from the accident we both were in during 2013.

April 3rd 2017, tomorrow I will be attending a therapy session at the same building Jess was in therapy at for what he's done to me over the last year. And I don't mean that literally. The way he broke up with me, he didn't really break up with me at all. The way he treated me after the breakup was much worse. He'd traumatized me for almost a entire year through psychological, physical, and emotional abuse.

Although he's only actually hit me violently twice and got a little too physical in his threat once over the last year, it's enough to be accounted for.

Emotionally, he's not only gone after me, but everyone else that had once been important to BOTH of us. He was a bully. Verbally. He destroyed people's will to live. Honestly.

And I don't even wanna go into detail with the psychological stuff. It was the worst of all of it.

The scary part of it all is one year ago today, it was so close. Days away. Not even two weeks. And I had no idea what I was in for.

And honest to god, I would go back in time one year ago this very moment and do it all over again.

Surprisingly enough, I didn't know it at the time but all of 2016 was far better than any of 2017 so far. I've hated 2017. It's been emptiness, boringness, dull, nothing. Nothing at all. Whereas 2016, was horrid at the time, I had the whole year ahead of me. I had so much left to go. Now, even though it's just another year, not the end of anything, it's the end of the most interesting parts of life.

I don't look to the future anymore. I just dwell on the past. One year ago, six months ago, 4 months ago.

It's almost like it's May 2016 all over again. Where all the world was was me and May Belle. Nobody else. There was no other side. Just us two. All we had to talk about was what we wanted to. Nobody judged us, stated their opinions about our conversations, told us we weren't allowed to say and do anything. It was all ours. We could say and do whatever we wanted. And we did.

The only difference is then, we looked to the future, telling ourselves everyday that we had so much time ahead of us. That life was only beginning. Now, we're just dwelling on the past, Tom, May Belle and I.

We aren't saying "things will get better someday." We're saying "remember this, remember that" and we laugh at the past, wishing it, any part of it, back.

What we didn't know then was that now, it really is impossible. Then, the future was destined to happen. Now, we're living shut out in our minds.

I've moved on from Jess.

I've given him chance after chance for 353 days straight. Anytime he wanted something, I gave it to him. Every time he wanted another chance, I gave it to him. Every time he wanted to feel me up, I gave that to him too.

Tom Jacobs was the only one who saved me from that.

I've been side by side with him since July 20th 2016. For nine months, it was nothing more than that.

Now, he's opened my eyes, turned my attention to himself rather than me, reminding me that the world isn't all about me, that other people have problems too.

For nine months, he and everyone else has been focused on me and my problem, the Jess problem. For the most part, they put aside their feelings to hold my hand.

I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for them. And this year, it's my turn to be there for Tom. Because I've moved on from Jess. I don't fantasize about him anymore, hardly at all. Now I can take the time to hold his hand through the situation I know better than any other.

One thing I can promise is that he'll make it through. He's got the expert on his side and I'm not going anywhere.