365 Days

April 24th 2016

April 24th 2016...

Most days in April 2016 were dark and gloomy, full of hopelessness and thoughts on how unfortunate and unlucky this situation was at the time. That out of all the time we'd known the Aarons, my parents had to pick the day before Jess and my relationship came to a so-far permanent end.

But slowly, as more time passed, I was learning how to cope with it. Back in April 2016, any day that month, I was a wreck. I couldn't be on my own and be okay with it. I couldn't stand knowing Jess and I were the way we were. I just couldn't do it without breaking, falling apart multiple times in a day, fantasizing about the what ifs and the past us.

April 24th 2016 was the first day I decided it wasn't completely and utterly terrible. On the 19th, May Belle told me that no matter how bad things get, they can always get better.

And it's more than true. Every single day of the last year has proved what she said that day to me over and over again. And it still does to this day.

On the 24th, I played the memories of the first week of my stay at the Aarons in my head over and over again. With Nolan, baseball, the lake, racing, laying and talking at night, playing the wii, all of it. I recalled all those memories.

In my diary, I wrote about how things were looking up and May Belle was right. But then I went on about the memories and wrote half a page summarizing them. Then I said 'there's still Leslie without Jess' and so I had to keep moving.  Strangely enough, it was like my life had changed dramatically between the beginning of that entry and the end of it. I have no idea what 12-year-old Leslie was getting at. But it wasn't bad. And that was enough of an accomplishment.

So, as I sit here today, April 24th 2017, the day that marks two weeks since Tom's disappearance, I have to remind myself of April 19th 2016 and what May Belle told me.

No matter how bad things get, they can always get better.

No matter how bad things get, they can always get better.

No matter how bad things get, they can always get better.

No matter how bad things get, they can always get better.

And that's the truth. While every possible outcome of  Tom's disappearance leads to him not having survived it, I have to remind myself that things can always get better and they usually will.

That was the lesson of 2016. The lesson so far of 2017 has been, be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all. And boy, am I ever trying to juggle both right now. But I'll make it. We all will. We always do.