365 Days

April 23rd 2016

April 23rd 2016...

On this day last year, Jess was the only one violently hurting me and everyone else in this group.

Surprisingly enough, today is not that April 23rd. Today is the April 23rd that marks two weeks since Tom ran away. And guess what? Still hasn't come back.

No matter what Jess did to me (he really did it to me), no matter how bad it was (oh, it was bad), he never drove me to the point where it was actually worth abandoning not only my entire life and everyone in it, but hope that things will ever get better for me.

I don't think I've ever seriously rejected Jess. When he's tried to apologize or make it up to me, I may have been hesitant and maybe even a little bitchy, but I never ever pushed him away at the end of the night.

I never told him that him making things up to me was the only way to secure his peace, and then when he tried to do that... rejected.

I've always thought of Jess as careless. Well, always as in the last year. But I have. And I always tell myself internally, "he doesn't care." But he never goes to extremes that put mine or anyone else's life at risk.

Tom isn't as romantically and emotionally experienced as I am when it comes to major heartbreak and rejection. But in his life, his family has been through far worse than mine and he's made it through all of it, and could somehow appear hard as a rock, unaffected, unemotional.

But this time, it was too much. She actually hurt him so fucking badly, it was worth everything and nothing. It was worth taking everything away, everyone away, because it was worth nothing. Because he'd been so badly hurt, it wasn't worth a thing anymore.

And yes, we all make mistakes and do things we don't necessarily know what will happen as a result. But when the results come in and you toss them aside like it never happened, that is when you become scum.

You can't just DO that to a person and just sit there, laughing, unaffected as if you're not the problem. That's such a Regina George move. A Jess move. There's no other way to say it.

One year ago, Jess was the devil. And he still is. He's no better. But every year there's a new devil, entering your life and the lives of those around you and they destroy you and them. They don't just destroy, they stand aside and laugh as it happens if they even pay attention at all.

Once upon a time, he didn't deserve her. He didn't deserve to know the way she felt about him. He didn't deserve to be cared about as much as he was by her. But now, she deserves to be in his place. She deserves to go make this, as Grace would say, a double suicide. She deserves all she got back then and more.

I've hurt people, badly. But I've never EVER in my entire thirteen years of life, been an ignorant, proud little bitch about it. According to Barbara, some people just deserve to die. One year ago, I would've thought that was crazy. But now, I'm not so sure it is.