365 Days

April 5th 2016

April 5th 2016...

In the long run, most days are ordinary. There are some you look back on and remember exactly what happened, what day it was and how it made you feel.

Most days, however, are only significant in the moment. Once they're gone, you can never remember what happened that day.

That was this day. One year ago.

Sometimes I think I remember each day but really, in the long run, you don't. I have no idea what happened one week ago today, to be honest.

12 more days until it happened. I had no idea that I only had 12 days left until the life I'd lived for over 2 years was about to change. A lot.

And not in a good way. At all.

Here I am now, trying to look back on one random, particular day in early April, a whole year ago.

I can't remember much. And because I don't, it couldn't have surpassed the norm much. Nobody remembers the norm except for that whatever it was, it was normal. At some point in time.

Right now, this day, this year, things are tough. Right now, this day, last year, things were normal. Had to be.

Maybe one year from now, April 5th 2018, I'll look back on this day. And I won't remember it much, because it wasn't much. Maybe one year from now, this will be my normal. I'll refer to the struggles of today as normal.

God, I hope this never becomes my normal. Or maybe it already has.

An entire hour just passed and I didn't even know it.

May Belle and I stepped outside and walked around half of Lark Creek and it took us an hour. It was 6:30 when we returned. We ran to the store after. It felt like 10 minutes, maybe. And all of a sudden it's 7:31.

Time flies when you aren't paying attention. As do opportunities.

Like today.

Tom and I had this opportunity. More him than me but I had a say. He didn't wanna do anything until he told me.

And so when he did, I said to wait. Not to go for it. Not to take the small sliver of light at the end of the tunnel, but to ignore it, and wait for god knows what.

And so he did. Because I got us over 80% on our social project together yesterday. So I must know what I'm talking about.

Wrong.

We'd discussed it a while in the library during my spare. Yea, he ditched gym. Of course he did. And when he announced it, I was apparently supposed to be surprised.

But when he told me the real surprise, I told him to lay back and play it cool. Honestly, I have no idea what I was waiting for. Actually, I wasn't waiting for anything. I just didn't wanna look desperate like I'd immediately accept anything and everything. I guess that's factor of the last year I had with Jess. The fact that it took a year to come to an end explains why I don't wanna accept everything immediately. Because with him, I always did. And so he always knew I was desperate. Even if I was just genuine.

And in the end, Tom and I decided to accept it. Because honestly, he reminded me that it was either looking desperate or eventually losing everything. It could've happened.

And so it did.

The moment we decided to take it, the opportunity vanished. Like it'd never happened. And of course he blamed me. It was my idea to wait it out, after all. I really didn't expect to be just moments too late. I didn't know what was happening now.

Tom and I ended on bad terms at the end of the day. He told me immediately that it was a no-go. I'd kinda suspected eventually it would be, if we waited it out too long. I guess I didn't know what too long was.

He still blames me, really blames me. But I did promise him I'd inform May Belle of what happened as soon as I could. And so I did that too.

Tom likes her insight. She's a total brat, a smart ass to him all the time. But when we're talking business, she couldn't have more useful things to say about it.

And after talking to her, I knew why he values her opinion so much. She's right. I guess SHE's always right. There's not much we can do.

And we're okay. We're not suffering. There's nothing wrong with our lives. We're not drowning. It'll be okay. We don't need anyone anymore today than we did yesterday.

Her and I made it a month and a half with nobody but each other. We sang songs, walking down the path everyday. And we talked about anything and everything. And now, I'm an expert at it. I'd rather be alone than around something that only brings me and my mood down.

So we're okay. Regardless of what happens, we're okay. We always will be as long as we don't put ourselves in a position to not be.

And one year ago today, I wish someone had told me how strong I'd have to be. I would've been prepared before it happened. Long before.

Next time.

Haha.

This is next time. ;)