365 Days

April 14th 2016

April 14th 2016...

It wasn't even relatively Easter. I don't remember anything about Easter when all this started to go down.

Today was the last day. I had 72 hours to go until it would hit me. Literally.

Janice. She hit me. Literally.

Today was less of a me day and more of a May Belle day. She was going on about her first year taking Spanish class and how she was so psyched her and Alexandra would pass the upcoming test they had that afternoon.

All three of us boarded the Lark Creek School bus that morning as if it was just any other day. As if tomorrow would also be any other day, and every one after that. Even Jess. I'll always wonder whether Jess planned this whole shebang or not.

Maybe, as we climbed up onto the bus with Kenny driving, that Friday morning of April 14th 2016, he knew that it was almost over. Or maybe not.

School was, for all I knew, regular.

Everything was regular.

All I knew was that tomorrow was Friday and I was excited. Jess's dad had baseball practice in Roanoke and he invited me to come along and fill the boring void.

I looked forward to this prior to the end of the school week. I finished each class that day, math, Spanish and a few others, with my head held high, knowing I only had one more day after this, a short day.

This year, were spending Easter in Arlington. Mrs. Aarons informed me she received a call from my mom asking me to return home immediately. The next thing I knew we were packing for a six hour drive.

Right now, we have two hours remaining. Mom and Dad upfront, I can hear chatting between my songs. Getting far away from Lark Creek and all that good shit for three whole days.

I'm excited to see Jimmy and Aunt Joan, and the whole Burke-Hancock family. Maybe it'll help me feel a little more like myself again. Maybe it'll help me be okay again.

Not to say I'm not okay. Because I am. I'm not butt-hurt anymore. I've accepted April 2016 for what it is and all that came after it. This is who Jess is now. I can only see a slight image of his reflection behind his shadow, the reflection of the Jess he used to be, the one I used to love.

But that's over. And I get it. Tom's been missing for 80-something hours. I can't even count anymore. At 11pm tonight, it'll be 96 hours. Crazy. Makes me wonder where he is.

But wherever that is, he's got to leave as soon as he can. He needs to know how different things are around here. How maybe running away didn't work in his favor as he thought it might.

They're gone. It's all gone. It's time to move on. It's not 2016. It's not the past. And 2016 isn't all there is to life. One day, we just might be looking back on this, yearning for it. Now, it seems unlikely but god only knows what'll happen in this year. We still have the whole year to go.

So much happened between April  2016 and April 2017. Maybe just as much will happen between April 2017 and April 2018.

Ya just never know. But we gotta give it a chance, at least give 2017 to show us it has potential to be all that and more than what 2016 was.

But forcing 2016 back, is not the answer. And when Tom returns, I'll be the first to pull him aside and make sure he knows it.

I'm done being a bitter bitch about it. It's over and I'm not gonna dwell on something that can't and won't change, won't go back. I'm happy that it's today and not yesterday. I am. So let's let each day just happen, instead of forcing time to stop and go back.

That's my motive. That's the only way 2017 will ever compare to 2016. Only if we just let it happen.