365 Days

April 8th 2016

April 8th 2016...

It's hard to think that one year ago today, I cared so much. I knew exactly what was happening, what I wanted, and what to expect.

I always expected things to be forever. I expected Jess and I walking into Lark Creek High School next year, hand in hand. I expected, years from now, for us to be standing in cap and gown together, smiling at each other as we tossed the caps into the air. I expected us to both get scholarships, him for art and me for academics and once we graduated university, we'd find a house and start a family.

Now, I'm just sitting here in bed, writing out this entry hours late, wondering how I'd never seen this coming. Why there weren't any signs, why I never found of why April happened the way it did, how the real story that's slowly becoming more fuzzy happened.

Someday was always. Forever he'd be my always and always he'd be my forever. That was all I needed to know. That was all I wanted to be happy and smiley and unchanging every single day. That's all that mattered. It was so simple.

We've just became so complicated, simplicity became complicated too. Like for some odd reason, overcomplicating things was easier than going back to the simple life. And that I don't think I'll ever figure out.

One year has passed and my plans are so different. I'm going in the opposite direction. Whether that's up or down, I don't know. I expect to be like the rest of the world now. We're not special anymore. We're not outstanding, impressive, walking with ease through what the rest of the world dreamed to be.

I'm just an ordinary 8th grader, probably gonna graduate, go to school, graduate and maybe, maybe not find someone to spend the rest of my life with. Nobody has that before they hit double digits. I did.

I did. And for its rarity, no matter what has happened or will happen between Jess and I 2016 and forward, he'll always be special to me whether I like it or not. There's no amount of damage that could change the past. We had an explicit two and a half years and that's unchangeable.

So no matter the cost of the damage, I'll always have the image of the original, pre-damage place in my heart and mind.

Even though it's over, I'm glad it happened. And maybe I'm glad it's over, too. Maybe it wasn't meant to be forever, but it was meant to be something. And it was. It really was.