365 Days

April 12th 2016

April 12th 2016...

Tom's been missing for 42 hours now. And so far, no good news.

This morning after my cellular respiration quiz in bio, I was called down to the office. As expected, the police were there and me being the last one to see Tom before he went missing, I kind of expected it.

The officers told me Grace was already in the office and mentioned my name. I told them what happened, all I knew.

Grace has been pretty bitchy lately. She was iffy with me whenever I asked if she got anymore information on Tom's disappearance. She seemed unconcerned. Too unconcerned. After I saw her yesterday, I knew. She was suffering from it too. She's just been dealing with it differently.

She's twelve years old and has every reason to believe her older brother was abducted walking alone outside at 11 at night. I'd be a bitch too.

So I told them all I knew, knowing I didn't owe Grace any explanation but kept my word that I wouldn't ever lie to the police about it. Sometimes, the truth is the only thing that saves them. I wouldn't risk anything of the sorts.

Were all hoping, praying Tom will get home okay. For whatever reason he's gone, I just hope he comes back.

Lately, the topic of Jess has come up more than usual. With the Tom-Kaylee shit taking a backseat, I have nothing else to focus on, really.

As I typed "April 12th 2016" I realized that in 7 hours from now, April 15th will only be 48 hours away. That is terrifying. And there's nothing like Jess being absent from my life for the longest time since May 2016. We've never not associated for this long since that time. Now, we have. And we'll be headed through the second half of April and all of May like that. Again.

My overeating has gotten fifty times worse since April. That's where it all started. Just May Belle and I with Safeway always in our side mirror.

Barb is trying hard but my urges are trying harder. Tomorrow, we have a potluck and that's not gonna help any of it. The more I become deprived, the better I'll get at resistance. It's all about getting started.

Tomorrow is my long day. I have sprinting practice tomorrow at 7AM and then distance after school. As well as an entire social paper to write.

One year ago today, April 12th 2016, was a Tuesday. I was enrolled in Spanish 7. That course really does send me back through hell sometimes.

The other day I found my 7th grade math and Spanish notebooks. Almost every page had 'Leslie Burke' written at the top, each dated with dates such as 'April 22nd 2016' and up to 'May 15th 2016' and finally 'June 13th 2016.' Not to say those dates in specific, but they were most likely in there somewhere. And I had no idea what was coming for me when my pencil hit the page each of those days.

Sometimes, I want to go back. Not because it was easy, but because I was innocent. And honestly, maybe it was easier, somehow.

At least I wasn't covered in self-harm scars, having had a 2-day drug addiction, having gone through physical abuse. At least Grace hadn't been sexually assaulted in the favor of making people jealous, at least she hadn't had an eating disorder. At least Barb hadn't been sexually assaulted, molested by her father, at least Jess hadn't made fun of her for it. At least Tom hadn't gone through self-harm, two suicide attempts, one permanently scarring him somewhere so publicly, at least he hadn't fallen in love and ended up like I have.

At least we had the whole world ahead of us, even if it wasn't easy. It's better than living in a world of nothingness. I wish someone had told me back then, that one day, I'd miss that pain simply because it wasn't this one; empty, over, hopeless, careless.