365 Days

April 13th 2016

April 13th 2016...

One day, two days, three days, four.

Tomorrow is April 14th. The day that triggers the breath out of May Belle. Here we go. It's all happening now.

I didn't think it would. It seemed to me that it was more like a fantasy I've always dreamed of, planned for it to happen and it just never does. Like because it's on my mind so much, there's no possible way it could ever happen. And yet here I am.

Today, April 13th 2016, I know exactly what I was doing.

This night, this very night, we relived the 5th grade tragedy, the before and after, that brought me here.

April 13th is the reason this happened.

April 13th is the reason I am here.

The fact that I chose to watch it. To get a long-time-no-see look into 2013, is the reason I am here now.

If I hadn't watched that again, I would not be here today. Who would be? How different would things be? How different would 2016 be entirely?

This is the final entry I will write that doesn't include a story of some sort. Tomorrow, I tell my first tale. The titles of each chapter will really be strongly based on what's written.

I will write other things too, like about that day this year and compare them. But I will briefly explain what happened that day in specific. I won't forget to write an entry again.

Today was messy. Tom has been missing for 71 hours now. It's almost become normal. Expected, like him coming back would be paranormal or unexpected. Like we're all just accepting that he's gone and that's it. Like we have no other option but to assume that he's kidnapped or dead.

Without him clouding my thoughts, I let them out, not worrying about offending him, being careful of how sensitive he is to certain topics.

I realized, that no matter how much he wants something, it'll never be what he wants. No matter how much he wants Kaylee, she'll never be the Kaylee he wants. Not this time. It's not 2016. It's just not. We can't try to make the present the past and expect it'll work out all the same. We're not in a time loop. Life goes on. It's not yesterday anymore. And it never will be again.

I think he already knows that he and Kaylee are stuck, that they'll never reach the potential he hoped they would. That he won't be able to do for her the things he wanted to. That he won't ever reach the place he wanted them to. It just won't.

That he either gets 2017 Kaylee or no Kaylee. Because she's moved on. And 2016 Kaylee isn't coming back.

No, I'm not in a place where I'm okay with everything and anything. My life isn't the stable consistency I make it look like sometimes. I question why I do this at least once a day. I've just trained my mind to tune it out.

I know I can't just walk out unless I'm really passionate about something. More passionate than I was in February. More passionate than I was in April. Which, probably won't happen today or tomorrow.

Right now, all I can do is suffer. Sit here, knowing Tom and Kaylee aren't gonna work, knowing we all, even me, have to keep living in a way nobody wants to anymore.

But I also know I can't go yet. I'll be a stick in the mud for the rest of April, at LEAST. If things were to head in the right direction, not just for four days, and not just for me, and relationships but for everyone in this group and these two families, mine and the Aarons.

May Belle, Brenda, Ellie, Joyce Ann, Grace, Tom, Barbara, Mikey, Lisa, Carol, my parents, Jimmy, Lark Creek School students in general. Everyone. Not one person left behind.

Both leaving and  fixing things for real are both ridiculously hard to accomplish.

Leaving would mean leaving not just me, but my life. My $1000 wardrobe, my social media, Snapchat streaks, names, faces, an entire lifestyle.

Fixing things (like actually fixing things) would mean taking time, even when things get rough, even when the easiest thing to do is overeat, or yell at someone for fucking up, hurting myself of causing someone to run away, we'll have to stand strong. NOBODY can give up. The hardest part would be the beginning, adapting, getting used to things. I'll have to give up a lot. Like my low tolerance, food obsession, technology addiction, hate speech issues, ALL OF IT. I'll have to become loving and force myself to tolerate bullshit until I can actually tolerate bullshit. It almost seems harder than leaving.

The hardest part about fixing things would be actually believing Jess's overstated apologies that are always the same and always end the same way. No, I'm not saying that's gonna happen in a million years, that he's gonna apologize all over again. But I am saying it would be required for normality. If it came down to that, I'd have to trust him. I'd have to take his apology no matter how much I didn't believe it. I don't know if I can.

The easy and least satisfying way out would be to, not surprisingly, do nothing at all. Don't leave, don't improve my life, just do what I did yesterday, take the struggles and walk through it all one second at a time. I can do it. The key is not thinking about how I'm gonna do it tomorrow, but as long as I get through right now, I'm okay. That's how I'll tackle my food obsession starting tomorrow.

Right now, I have three options and the only one within reason is the least satisfying option. Nothing else is realistic. I could read ALR. It would help keep me motivated to do nothing at all, option three, and be okay. Focus less on Tom and more on me and my life.

I don't know. Honestly, I'm feeling so much right now, about so many different things, I just don't know.

One year ago, I was just getting started. Exactly one year ago, this very moment. Now, I feel like everything's ending. Even though I'm stuck like this until May at least, regardless. I don't even know if I wanna leave. The more I think about how far I've come, the less appealing the idea is.

Maybe I just want the impossible. As does Tom. Maybe we'll both just have to let the world work. Sit back, do nothing. That's only one of three options, but somehow it's the only one.