365 Days

April 10th 2016

April 10th 2016...

Today was one of those days.

Hard.

Most of the time these days, I can let go of Jess and not think about it. It doesn't matter. I'm over it and him. But every now and again it came up, all that we went through and I choked up. Not physically, I couldn't show that now, not after all the progress I've made.

I've had fast food for the last three, four days in a row. I went to Starbucks, Dairy Queen and Tim Hortons yesterday. All three. It was terrible. I mean, in the moment, it all tasted marvelous. But I'm failing myself.

Everyone around me believed all I needed to do was learn to be happy with or without Jess. And that was the key to normality.

They were wrong.

But I am happy. For sure. I am. I'm not to the point that I'm actually missing Jess. I just feel something whenever it comes up. And pretty much only then.

My food addiction hasn't gotten better. I can pretty much self-diagnose myself with binge eating disorder. I'm not a doctor, but I'm not stupid.

This may have started with Jess. I may be food-dependent because of what he did to me, because in April and May 2016, I needed something to feel good, even just for a moment.

Now, it's out of control. No matter what terms I'm on personally, with myself or with Jess, it doesn't stop. Barb and I have tried to make lists and lists of things to help me stop overeating. Nothing seems to work. I can follow some procedures but not the important ones. Which is something, I guess. But not enough.

Today, I had two cake bars and a cookie at Starbucks.

One year ago today, March 10th 2016, I was sitting at the lunch table with Grace, Tom, Jess, Barb, Mikey and the twins eating celery and drinking from the water bottle I still used daily. I guess that's something.

I remember specifically Barb and I saying March 15th is the first day I do it. I eat healthy, with only one cheat day a week, unless for special occasion. That's actually a special occasion. Like Easter.

Now it's nearing one month since we've said that and no progress. If anything I'm worse.

Truly, I have no idea why that became the topic of today's entry. There's definitely a lot more important things going on. Especially with Tom. Poor kid. But somehow I landed on this. Maybe it's meant to inspire me.

I'll call Barb later. Her and I need to come up with a plan B. I can still redeem myself before summer. I just have to be more strict.

Somehow, somewhere, we're going to be making progress. And maybe right now, that's all that counts.