365 Days

April 7th 2016

April 7th 2016...

Yes, I know. I forgot to write yesterday. There'll never be an excerpt from April 6th. I apologize. I do.

April 7th, 17th. 10 day difference.

355 days ago, I lived it. I lived it all.

355 days ago, I had no idea what was about to happen to me.

I had no idea I was about to go from "I'll be home in an hour" to running away for four hours straight.

I had no idea I was about to go from elite track star to overweight with binge eating disorder.

I had no idea I was about to go from optimist to emotionally incurable.

I had no idea I was about to go from happy to permanently forgetting how to ever be that again.

I had no idea what was coming for me less than two weeks away.

Sometimes I wanna travel in time back to April 7th 2016 and warn my twelve year old self of what was to come. That Jesse Aarons wasn't what I thought he was. Then I re-think it and realize that one year ago, I wouldn't have believed it. Not even coming from my future self, who lived it.

Sometimes I wonder where Jess was at on April 7th 2016. I wonder if he had any idea how drastically he was about to change. If he felt the signs. If he looked in the mirror and could tell something was different. If he felt like something wasn't right.

Well, his definition of right hasn't been the same as mine for a long time.

I know it's not April 17th yet, but I think I'll share this today instead of then because I really did skip yesterday's entry and I guess I gotta spice this one up a bit.

Jess and I used to talk. About everything that happened to us. We'd feel the need to talk about our sexual interactions if we felt we'd gone too far or crossed our parents' line.

And so when we were walking outside together, alone, one day in March of 2016, a month earlier, I asked him.

"What if something, someday, we're to happen to us?"

Jess and I contemplated this. If this was even possible. If anything could ever bad enough to turn us against each other permanently.

"I can't imagine, you know, being without you. Ever. All the time. Like Will and Lyra in The Amber Spyglass. Being without you? I guess I'd feel kinda dead. And, I don't want to be alone like Mr. Boone."

When he said this, I teared up. And I became sure of one thing; nothing was ever going to get that bad. Nothing was ever going to destroy us, not permanently. It would never happen. What could possibly happen to destroy something so strong?

I trusted him with my entire heart. I went to England last summer and when I came back and found out he and my best friend, Grace Jacobs, had gotten too close and too tempted by each other, I let it go. I didn't mind because I knew Jess would never belong to anyone else. She couldn't do anything to make him love her more than he already loved me. It was too late for anyone to come between us.

And that's how I know, April 7th 2016 me would never have believed me.

So yea, I guess going back in time, giving a little heads up, wouldn't do anything. It would probably cause damage later down the road anyway.

So with April 17th being less than 10 days away, were less than 10 days from the story. From the one year mark. I'll hold onto that for the rest of my life. Because it wasn't 2 months, 5 months, 7 months, 11 months anymore. It isn't any number of months. It's been so many months they reclassify it. It's a year. It's been a whole damn year. One tenth of a decade. Wow.

Last year, I may have ran around Lark Creek crying with Miley Cyrus on full blast, but this year, I'll be searching for Easter eggs and stuffing chocolate up my eating hole. Because this year, I'm not waiting for Jess. 10 days from now, it'll be that much more official that I don't give enough shits to stand around and wait anymore. I'll be looking back 365 days ago and say, "that's how long it took. But it doesn't matter anymore because all that matters is the future. The next 365 days. Not the last."