Selfish Love [On Going]

CHAPTER FOUR

"Everyone in the world is as miserable

And as empty as I am.

There's just better pretending."

The Edge of Seventeen

My heart felt like it was being squeezed as hard as the cold bare hands of the one I love could squeeze. Heartbreak is the only thing in the world that could possibly make me not want to have a heart anymore. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng masaktan. Gunner can ignore me for the rest of his life. But seeing him with another girl, who could possibly make him fall in love, is insufferable.

"Kailan ka pa natutong manligaw, Fox?" Tanong ni Gunner. Bakas sa tono ng boses niya na nakangiti siya habang nagsasalita.

I looked down to wipe my tears and to hide my pain. Hindi niya dapat malaman na sobra akong apektado at nasasaktan ngayon. I know Sofia is laughing at me right now coz she just won. Yes, maaring nasaktan ko siya physically but she ruined me emotionally. I just don't understand why she suddenly changed her mind. Akala ko ba hindi siya desperadang maging girlfriend ni Gunner, kagaya ko?

What the hell happened?

Lumapit sakin si Bree saka marahan na piniga ang kamay ko. "Ayos ka lang?" She whispered. I know she's worried. And I am worried too. Paano kung si Sofia na nga yung babaeng seseryosohin niya? Paano kung mahalin niya si Sofia? Paano na ako? Paano magkakaroon ng salitang kami kung magmamahal siya ng iba?

I nodded at Bree. "Sige na, pumasok ka na."

Nag-aalinlangan siyang iwan ako pero wala siyang nagawa. Mabigat ang mga paa niyang humakbang paakyat ng hagdan hanggang sa mawala na siya sa paningin ko.

"This, taught me how." Sabay turo ni Fox sa kaliwang dibdib niya. Muling bumalik ang atensiyon ko kina Fox at Gunner. "Kaya pala hindi ako marunong magmahal kasi yung puso ko nandito, kay Lyke." Bahagya niya akong hinila.

"Gunner, we have to go." Narinig kong sabi ni Sofia.

"Let's continue this later. We have classes to go to." Paalam ni Gunner kay Fox.

Nang wala na sila Gunner at Sofia ay binitawan na rin ako ni Fox. Pinihit niya ako paharap sa kanya saka niya iniabot ang panyo niya sakin. "Wala na sila. Pwede ka ng umiyak."

Mabilis na nanginit ang mukha ko nang marinig ko yon. Then I just felt my eyes dripped with tears. The walls that I built to hold me up and make me strong just collapsed. My knees started to get weak. I was about to fall but Fox didn't let me, as always. Niyakap niya ako. He was stroking my back to calm me down as my tears soaked his chest.

"You can cry all you want, Lyke. I swear, this would be the last time you will cry." Aniya habang dahan-dahang dumudulas ang kanyang kamay mula sa braso ko patungo sa kamay ko. "Let's get out of here."

Hindi na ako nakatutol nang hawakan niya ng mahigpit ang kamay ko at hilahin paalis sa lugar na yon. Hindi ko alam kung saan niya ako balak dalhin. At hindi ko din alam kung bakit kusang humakbang ang mga paa ko. Kusa akong sumama sa kanya. Siguro ito rin ang gusto ko. Ang tumakas.

I just found myself inside his car, seating in the front seat. Fox bent down to fasten my seatbelt. "You can just simply ask me to buckle up. You don't have to do this." Puna ko sa ginawa niyang yon.

He just ignored me and closed the door. Umikot siya sa kabilang side at binuksan ang pintuan. He went in and then started the engine. Natahimik kami pareho habang umaandar ang sasakayan. Nakapako ang atensiyon niya sa daan.

"Hindi ko alam kung anong nakain mo para sabihin mo sakin na mahal mo ako." I broke the silence between us. "I know that you aren't blind and numb and stupid to love someone who's in love with someone else. And I hate you. Ugh! God knows how much I hate you, Fox!"

"At least, you hate me. That's enough for me to stay." He smirked.

"You're out of your mind!"

"I guess so ..." He looked at me for a second. "Coz I love you." Then he winked.

Fox was foolishly in love with me. And that gave me an idea on how I could benefit from it. "If you really do love me, then you would help me."

"Anything for you, my love." He agreed without a second thought.

"I want Gunner to fall in love with me." I told him straightly onto his face. And I am dead serious about it.

He suddenly laughed. And it was kind of irritating. Why all these people laugh when I tell something about Gunner?

"And do you think it is possible?" He was still laughing. "Just look at me. Do you think I can make you fall in love?"

"Hell, no."

"That's my point, love. We are just like a different version of you and Gunner. The only difference is, I can bear all this shits you were talking about."

"I am not you, Fox! Mamatay ako kapag nagmahal si Gunner ng iba."

Tumahimik siya.

I know it was too much to ask. And if Fox do really love me, it would hurt him a lot to say yes. Wala na kasi akong maisip na ibang paraan para mahulog ang loob niya sakin – para mahalin niya ako. I have done so much but it was not working.

"Okay. I'll help you." Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa tuwa nang marinig ko yon kay Fox. I guess, he doesn't love me enough to agree with my plan. "But for now, you have to pretend. You are my girlfriend, remember?"

"Oh my – shit!" I exclaimed when I recall what happened. "Thanks for reminding me for despising you even more!" I banged the dashboard coz I can't hit him.

"Easy ... you we're hurting her." Nakangisi niyang sabi sakin habang hinihimis ang dashboard ng sasakyan niya. "I think I deserve a 'thank you' from you, my love, for saving your ass from shame. I just saved your ego there."

I wasn't able to response, coz perhaps, I agree with him. He did that to save me from wailing in front of Gunner and Sofia. Or maybe, he took the chance of the situation that I am into. So, maybe, just maybe, I could take an advantage of him too.

"Okay, okay! But how? I mean, how can I make him fall in love with me kung boyfriend kita kuno?"

"Just trust me." Aniya.

"I'm sorry, but I don't and I can't." Umiiling kong sabi kay Fox. "I need plans not those trust-thingy you were implying to."

"Okay ..." He ran his fingers through his hair. Then he bit his lips. Napako bigla ang atensiyon ko sa labi niya. Sa tagal-tagal ko nang nakakasama at nakikita si Fox, ngayon ko lang napansin na ang pula-pula pala ng mga labi niya. "Then do you have the balls to tell him that you love him?"

Bigla akong natauhan. Agad kong iniiwas ang tingin ko mula dito. "Yun dapat ang gagawin ko kung hindi ka lang umepal kanina." Pagkasabi ko noon ay biglang iniliko ni Fox ang sasakyan. Halos dumikit ako sa pintuan ng kotse nang sumiksik ang katawan ko sa gilid nito. "What the -! What are you doing?!"

"We'll go back to school. If you get the answer you wanted, I'll let you go. If not, then, I will help you to make him fall for you by just being my girlfriend."

"Kuno." Pagdudugtong ko sa sinabi niya.

"Tss." Ngumisi siya sakin. "Dun na rin mapupunta yon."