Selfish Love [On Going]

CHAPTER FIVE

"I wish I knew how to quit you."

Brokeback Mountain

"Where have you been? Why did you skip your class?" Sunud-sunod na tanong ni Raven nang makasalubong niya ako sa corridor. She was a bit furious and concerned. No wonder why most of them say that she looks exactly like Mom, coz she talks like her.

"Raven please, I need to see Gunner. I have no time for a heart to heart sister talk."

She suddenly pulled me from my shoulder to stop me from walking. "Forget what I said earlier. I don't want you to get hurt."

I slowly smiled at her. And I'm starting to be good at faking it. "About Gunner and Sofia?" I paused for a second while staring at her. "It won't stop me from getting what I want, Raven ... even if it will hurt me to death, I won't stop."

She sighed. "He's in the library ... with Sofia."

No one knows me more than Raven does. She knew how firm I am when it comes to making decision. And I have decided to love Gunner for the rest of my life and no one could stop me from doing it.

Iniwan ko si Raven sa corridor at nagmadali akong pumunta sa Library. I felt like I was running for my life. A part of me was telling me to stop this stupidity but a bigger part of me was telling me that I am doing the right thing. I've been keeping this for so long. And I guess, eight years was long enough to bury myself from the truth.

Nakita ko kaagad si Gunner. Nakatayo siya sa gilid ng pinakadulong book shelf. I was about to approach him when Sofia suddenly put her hand on his shoulder.

Lumapit ako at sinadya kong alisin ang kamay ni Sofia para makuha ang atensiyon ni Gunner. "Can we talk?"

"Importante ba yan?" Tanong ni Gunner sakin. Saka niya dahan-dahang inabot ang kamay ni Sofia. Nakita ko ang marahan niyang pagpisil dito.

"Importante sakin. Hindi ko lang alam kung importante sa'yo."

He put the book back to the shelf then he said something to Sofia. Hindi ko na narinig. Siguro nagpaalam or something. I don't give a fvck to whatever it is. Kasi kulang na lang mamatay ako sa kinatatayuan ko sa sobrang sakit ng nakikita ko. Uunahin ko pa ba yon?

Then, I saw Sofia nodded at him.

"Sa labas tayo." Naunang lumakad si Gunner sakin palabas ng Library. Kaya naman nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon na tapunan ng masamang tingin si Sofia. Kulang na lang sabihin ko sa kanya na hindi pa kami tapos, hindi pa siya nananalo. Dahil hindi ko hahayaang mangyari yon.

"So, what is it?" He looked straightly into my eyes. I felt like my soul was being judged by a God. He could steal my breath away by just simply staring at me. Just like that.

"A-ano kasi ... hindi ko alam kung paano ako magsisimula." I couldn't think straight. I couldn't even construct the right sentence. My verb isn't agreeing with the subject.

"You better not waste my time, Lyke. This isn't funny."

"H-hindi ko alam kung may idea ka na. O kung alam mo na pero sasabihin ko pa rin sa'yo." I took a deep breath to calm down and to control my heart beat. "This isn't easy for me to stand in front of you and confess these things but ... I like you Gunner. I like you since I was in Grade School. I like you when you play your favorite game. I like you when you dance. I like everything about you."

I looked down. I just can't stand staring at him while saying this thing before him. "And it was too late to stop coz I have already fallen in love with you. Too much. Too deep. I keep on falling and I can't stop. I don't know how to stop. I don't want to."

I tried not to shed a single tear but I guess, it's inevitable.

"Then I guess, I need to make you stop." He bluntly said with no gaps and no second thought. "Sa palagay mo ba hindi ko alam lahat nang yan?" Then he sighed like he doesn't fvcking care about it. "Alam kong gusto mo ako, pero wala akong pakialam."

"P-pero bakit? Am I not pretty enough?" Tanong ko sa kanya.

"Yes, you are pretty! You are expensive! And you are not for me." He exclaimed. "And oh, I almost forgot, you are Fox' property."

"What the hell? Hindi ko siya gusto, ikaw ang gusto ko!" Halos ipagdiinan koi yon sa pagmumukha niya.

"I'm sorry Lyke ... pero hindi ako sumasalo ng babae ng bestfriend ko. If Fox just dumped you, it's not my problem, it's yours."

I want to hit him. And beat him to death. Gusto kong iparamdam sa kanya yung sakit na ibinibigay niya sakin ngayon. But I can't. I can't hurt him. The only thing I wanted to do was to kiss him and make him realize that all I just said was true.

"But Gunner –"

"Stop it, Lyke. Don't even go there." Banta niya sakin.

"I love you and I want you to believe me!" Humahagulhol kong sabi sa kanya. Mauubos na yata ang luha ko sa kakaiyak pero mukhang hindi ko na siya makukumbinsi pa.

"I said stop it! I don't want to hear anything from you. So stop bothering me and move on!" He shouted before he left.

Naiwan akong mag-isa sa labas ng library. Tulala at hindi maramdaman ang sarili. I felt so emotionless, more like dead. Do I deserve this? Why? Paulit-ulit ang tanong na yon sa isip ko. Pakiramdam ko napawalang kwenta kong tao dahil hindi ako kayang mahalin ng taong mahal ko. Wala siyang makita sakin na dahilan para mahalin.

Dahan-dahan akong napaupo. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula. Kung paano ako magsisimula ulit. Kung paano ilalayo ang sarili ko sa taong bumubuo ng mundo ko.

Hindi ko alam.