Selfish Love [On Going]

CHAPTER NINETEEN

“But the heart’s not like a box

That gets filed up

It expands in size

The more you love.”

Her

“So, how are you and Gunner?” Tanong ni Raven sakin habang nakahiga kami sa loob ng tent.

Noong bata pa kasi kami ni Raven, kapag nag-aaway kami, eto ang ginagawang parusa nina Mommy at Daddy sa amin. Hindi kami pwedeng matulog sa mga kwarto namin hanggang hindi kami nagiging okay. But this time, it’s different. We just need time with each other. We have a lot of things to talk about and I have a lot of questions that needs to be answered.

“We’re fine.” Tipid kong sagot.

“No, you’re not. Yung lakad mo pa lang kanina papasok ng bahay, alam ko nang hindi ka okay.”

She was right. I am not okay. But it was not because of Gunner, it’s because of something else. It was someone else.

“We just had an argument the other night. That’s all.” Pagsisinungaling ko. “How about you?” Masaya ka ba? Masaya ba kayo ni Fox?

Mahinang tumawa si Raven, animo’y kinikilig pa bago niya sinagot ang tanong ko. “Sobrang saya ko, Lyke. I never expected this to happen. Ang buong akala ko, hindi tayo magiging masaya pareho. But look at us now, we’re both happy and I guess, contented. We will soon to be married to the man we’ve always wanted. To the man we’ve always loved.”

Parang biglang pinana ang puso ko sa sinabi ni Raven. This time, it was more painful. And it burns my heart to think that Fox made her feel like she is the most important thing in the world. Things that I have seen and I have felt but I chose to close my eyes and my heart because I thought it was all a fvcking lie.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Didn’t tell you what?”

I took a deep breath before I opened my mouth, “That you love him.”

Bumangon bigla si Raven saka siya naupo at tumingin sakin. “You don’t give a damn about Fox Stegner right? So why would I tell you? Maiinis ka lang sakin. At alam kong sasabihin mo rin na of all people, bakit si Fox pa. Di ba?”

Sunud-sunod na tango ang isinagot ko. “R-right. Bakit siya pa …”

“Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang sabihin sa’yo ‘to pero … I want to thank you for not loving him back.” Nakangiting sabi ni Raven sakin. “I thought, you would fall for him. I mean, sino bang hindi mahuhulog sa Stegner na yon di ba?” Bahagya siyang tumawa.

“Bata pa lang kami, hindi na bestfriend ang tingin ko sa kanya. I told myself that I will never love anyone else, but him. And I won’t let anyone love him, but me.” She added.

I just died figuratively.

Ganito pala yung pakiramdam ng mang-reject ng tao na hindi mo gusto pero nung nagmahal sila ng iba, masakit pala. Masakit isipin na pinakawalan mo yung taong kaya kang mahalin ng higit pa sa sarili nila. Dahil pinili mo yung taong mas mahal mo kaysa sa mas mahal ka.

Pero kung mamahalin lang ako ni Gunner ng kahit kaunti lang, kahit hindi na niya higitan yung nararamdaman ko para sa kanya, makakalimutan ko lahat nang meron sa amin ni Fox. Makakalimutan ko siya at hindi ako masasaktan ng ganito.
Isang tanong na lang ang hindi ko masagot.

Bakit hanggang ngayon, hindi ko maamin sa sarili ko na mahal ko si Fox. Bakit hindi ko kayang aminin sa sarili ko na nagkamali ako?

“I’m happy for you.” I smiled at Raven.