Begin Again

Chapter 17

Sitting in the living room I heard her apartment door opening. Jumping up I pull open my front door and come face to face with a very tired, very pale looking Sam. I could see the sadness in her eyes and well as the guilt and hurt.

Looking down at my feet I whisper "Sam" but before I could go on she starts to talk.

"Brandon don't. Just don't. What happened last night on the dance floor will never happen again. It shouldn't even have happened in the first place. So just don't say anything. I'm late for work. Tell Claire I'll cover her shift so she can rest up." She says only adding the last bit as a jab "I heard you guys had a long night."

And with that she disappeared down the hall.

Two arms wrapped themselves around me and a small kiss was placed on my back. Startling me back to reality.

"Was that Sam?" she asks me her head resting on my back.

Looking down the hall I take a deep breath.

"Yeah she just stopped to drop a message off for you." I say

"What she say?"

"That you don't have to come into work today. She is going to cover for you. So you can have a lazy day." Deciding to only tell her the one part of what Sam said.

***

"Sam can I have a word with you for a moment?" asks Sarah

I haven't even put down my bag yet and she had already closed the door to the canteen. I was looking for some gum, because I had gotten sick again twice on my way to work and then again in the parking lot, after my encounter with Brandon.

"Sarah I haven't slept at all last night, I had to listen to Brandon and Claire going at it like sex deprived bunnies all night. I have about 6 cups of coffee in me and 3 energy drinks, I have lot the contents of my stomach this morning more times than I care to admit and I have a headache that is killing me because of those Tequila shots. So can we please not have this conversation now?"

Taking my bag out of my hand and pulling me into a hug I couldn't stop the tears from rolling over my face. All she did as my body shook form the sobs was to hold me and rub my back.

I vaguely heard the door open but Sarah quickly told them to get lost. After what felt like hours of crying, which I'm sure was only a few minutes, I pulled away from Sarah and start wiping at my eyes.

"Here let me help you."

"My makeup must be a mess now." I say between sobs.

"I'm more worried about you than your makeup. What happened on that dance floor last night Sam? It didn't look like old friends to me. That looked more like old love." She says

"Nothing happened last night. Me and Brandon are just friends now. Last night was goodbye."

"Goodbye?" she asks the question clear.

"Goodbye to the past, to us. We just said goodbye to what could have been had I not fucked it up four years ago. He has Claire now. He needs to take care of her. And I heard him and John talking about the ring he bought. So I know it's not too long anymore before that happened."

"Wow he already bought the ring. He mentioned it once in passing late last year. But Sam he's still in love with you."

"No he's not Sarah. He is in love with the fact that he got to fix a broken girl. I'm not broken and I don't need fixing anymore and I broke his heart a long time ago. He is in love with the idea of us. He is better off with Claire. She loves him and he does love her."

"What about you Sam? You are still in love with him! I saw it last night. I saw how you broke when I told him he had to go to Claire."

"Sarah I have been in love with Brandon since the day he walked into my Grade one class. I was in love with him the day I packed my bags and left for Ireland. I was in love with him the day I set foot back in school and he caught me when I tripped. I was in love with him the day I took the hand full of pills and I was sure I ruined his life. I was in love with him the day he bought me a beautiful dress for the farewell telling me to meet him. I was in love the day I said goodbye to him at the airport and the day I phoned him to tell him I'm not coming back I was in love with him. The day he knocked me over in front of The Corner Café I was still in love with him and the day I'll die of old age that day I will still love him with my dying breath. I will never stop loving him. But I will not break his heart again. I broke it twice before and I will not put him through that for a third time. So when the time comes he will marry Claire, I will congratulate them and then I will pack my bags and go back to Ireland and this time I will make sure never to come back."

And with that said I dropped my bag in my locker and walked out of the room and headed for reception. I was already an hour late now and I still needed to stop to get a coffee at the restaurant.

*

"Sam I really need to talk to you." Came Sarah again close to the end of her shift.

"Sarah if it's about Brandon and Claire I don't want to hear it. In fact if it has anything to do with my personal life I don't want to hear it." I say to her

"But Sam you need to – "

"No." I cut her off mid sentence "I don't need to do anything. I need to work my double. Smile at the customers, solve problems then go home and sleep for a year and be back here tomorrow a seven. That's all I need to do. If you don't have a work related issue to discuss with me then you can go and find something to do." I say turning on my heels and heading for a customer at the help desk.

"Good Day Sir, how may I be of help today?" I greet the gentleman

"Good Day, I was wondering if I would be able to move to a beach facing room. I'll pay the extra if there is a rate difference."

"Certainly sir. Give me a moment and I'll have a look and see what we have available. Would that be a single or a double room?" I ask the gentleman.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see a very worried Sarah eyeing me before finally turning on her heals and heading in the direction of the canteen.

*

I got off work at around two o'clock that next morning. I have by then been up for more than twenty four hours and to say I was heading for Zombie was an understatement. But I got in the car, drove myself home, by some miracle and made my way up the stairs.

When I reached my floor I could hear the music pounding down the hall. I knew it was coming from Brandon's apartment and my mood soured right then and there. I had to be back at work at seven o'clock and I needed to sleep.

Tonight I'm going to be the bitch and so help me if he or Claire tries to be smart with me I will kill the both of them. Banging my fist on his apartment door I waited for someone to open it up.

Lucky me John opened the door. He took one look at me gave me a nod and shouted something to someone inside. And like a hot knife slicing through butter the music stopped.

"Thank you." Was all I muttered before turning and going to my apartment.

Unlocking the door I step inside slamming it shut. Stumbling into my room I fall face first on the bed and after a few second I could feel myself drifting off to sleep. Not caring that I was still fully dressed.

I just allowed the sleep to take over my exhausted body.