Begin Again

Chapter 23

I called in sick the next day. Knowing I wouldn't be able to face Claire or Sarah for that matter. I decided I'll go in on the Friday because Claire will be on a late shift and by then I would have composed myself enough to face Sarah.

After Brandon kissed me he got up and left. I think I sat there staring at his empty seat for at least twenty minutes before the waiters had the guts to come ask me if she can get me anything else. When I said no only the bill she informed me Brandon paid the bill on his way out so I can go if I want.

In a daze I had gotten up and left the café, the tears never stopped running down my face and after a while I didn't try anymore. I somehow made it to my building and up three flights of stairs pas Brandon's apartment and into mine before the uncontrollable sobs took over my body.

I remember sinking down to my knees in the hallway and just sitting there crying for what felt like hours. With every tear that dropped a little piece of my heart broke and the anger then came.

But I wasn't angry at Brandon or Claire of even my mother this time, I was angry with myself because I did this to myself. And if I came back and allowed Brandon to help me after my aunt died I would be the one getting the ring now and not Claire and I can blame no one for this other than myself.

So I called in sick the next morning and spend the rest of the day ignoring my phone and the knocks' on my door. Just staying in bed and crying my eyes out. By three o'clock that afternoon I was so sick of crying that I cried because I couldn't stop crying.

By five o'clock my eyes was burning from all the crying so I spend the remainder of the evening with ice on my eyes and then some more crying. All in all I think I passed out around ten o'clock that night from all the crying and exhaustion and only woke up the next morning with my alarm blaring in my ear.

My entire body aced from all the crying and it felt like I was getting the flu. Dragging myself to the bathroom and pulled myself into a hot shower and just stood there until the water ran cold, before I quickly washed and stepped out.

Changing into my uniform I did my best to keep my head on what needed to happen today at the office. I stopped at the pharmacy on my way to work so I could get something for my stuffy nose. Luckily I told the office I had the flu so the puffy eyes and swollen face was easily mistaken for sick not for sad.

I made sure Sarah was working front desk and I again retreated to the back office to spend the next twelve hours hiding until I could go home. I was doing great up to the point where Sarah decided to come have lunch with me.

She was the only one who didn't believe my flu story and the more she pestered me about trying to find out what is really the matter the more defensive I got making me look even more like I was hiding something.

"Sarah will you just get back to work. There is no one at the front desk." I tried getting her to leave.

"No, Vernon is there and he said I could take a long lunch so I'm not leaving until you tell me what's really wrong. Because I can see you have been crying and just stop trying to deny it. I won't believe you."

"Sarah the only thing that is wrong with me at the moment is you bugging the life out of me and if you don't get back to work you will see what happens when you bug me." I say a bit more forceful than I intended to.

This ended up not scaring her but confirming her suspicions in the end.

"You need to tell him Sam." she finally said in a pleading voice

"Tell who what Sarah?" I ask playing stupid

"Don't play dumb with me Sam. Wednesday you where in here crying over Brandon, yesterday you weren't at work and you ignored everybody's calls. Today you look like death ran over twice and you want me to believe there is nothing wrong. You need to tell him how you feel." She says on her way out my office

By this point she had pushed my buttons all the wrong ways and the sadness was replaced by anger.

"I did tell him and he basically told me to fuck off." I bit out to her through my teeth.

That made her freeze in her tracks for a few moments before she finally stepped back into the office and closed the door behind her. Slowly turning around she looked at me a long time before she spoke.

"When did you talk to him?" she finally asked very cautiously

"Wednesday night." I bit out again. This time not fighting the anger but the warm swarm of tears threatening to spill.

"What did he say?" she asks as she took a seat again

Allowing that nights memories to was over me again I fought with all my might to keep the tears from fallings.

"Nothing that wasn't the truth." I say barely in a whisper

"Sam what exactly did he say?"

"That he is marring Claire and that he will not allow me to break his heart again. And I think if he stayed long enough he would have threatened me should I try and get to Claire but he didn't stick around long after he told me to stay away from him."

"So I'm done. I told him I love him. I told him I'm in love with him and he told me the same but he loved her more and wasn't willing to have his heart broken a third time. And the hardest part of it all was the fact that every word he said to me I agreed with him."

"O Sam!" came Sarah sad voice "I'm so sorry."

I don't know where it came from but the tears disappeared, the anger disappeared and disbelieve took over.

"Sarah why are you rooting for me and Brandon? Claire is your best friend. You are supposed to hate me for being in love with Brandon not feel sorry for me." I say to her

"Sam I can see you love him with all your heart. And I know he loves Claire and I know she is my best friend but he will never love Claire the way he loves you and I am actually more scared that should he marry her they would break up a few years down the line and then it might be too late for the two of you."

"Sarah it's four years too late for the two of us. And I promise you he will not let Claire go. He made that very clear Wednesday. She is what he needs in his life and what he deserves. So I'm stepping back and wishing them the best."

"So you are just going to give up. Without a fight?" she says

That had my blood boiling again. Had she not heard one word of what I just said? Standing up and leaning over the table I put on the best angry face I could.

"Sarah get this into your head once and for all. Me and Brandon are never going to happen. Claire is going to say yes on Saturday and they are going to get married. You will be with her through it all and when all this is over and done with I will disappear like I have never been here and they will live their lives. So if I hear one more word about me and Brandon so help me I pull punch you as hard as I can. So drop it, forget it and be happy for Claire. Got it." I say through gritted teeth.

Seeing the look of shock on Sarah's face I was satisfied I got through to her. So I walked around the table and held open the door for her, making it clear this conversation was over and I never wanted to hear it ever again.