Begin Again

Chapter 21

The entire day at the work I was a ball of nerves. I was just glad that Claire was on the evening shift as I don't think I would have been able to face her. Sarah kept giving me funny looks like I was high or something.

After the third time I messed up a customer's room I told Sarah to man the front I will do paperwork in the back as my mind was clearly on other things. Sarah just gave me a funny look again but stepped in saving us from a ton of complaints.

I was sitting staring at the computer screen not taking in anything that was happening on it when Sarah pulled me out of my thoughts.

"You know he is going to do it this weekend right?" she says to me.

At first I wanted to play dump but I knew she knew that I knew so it would be pointless. Not having it in me to say anything I just nod my head to make her understand I knew.

"John told me he was planning to do it on their night out." She just keeps going

Swallowing the lump in my chest I look up at her.

"Do you want me to crumble to the ground and turn into nothing so you can tell me 'I told you so' or do you just enjoy torturing me?" I finally bite out to her. All the frustration and anger and nerves bundling out.

A look of concern crosses her face and she rushes over to me just as the first tears start to fall. Pulling me out of my chair she pulls me into a hug all the while soothing me till I finally stopped sobbing.

"I'm so sorry Sam. I didn't mean to upset you I just wanted to prepare you." She kept saying

After a while I had composed myself enough to get a few words out. She wanted to talk about it but I just shooed her back to the front and I continued staring at my computer screen till it was time to go

*

All the way home I was practicing what I was going to say to him, how I was going to convince him that I was the one he loved and not really Claire and every time my mind went there I would start feeling guilty of what I was going to do to Claire tonight and how she would feel if I got Brandon to agree with me.

It was driving me insane not knowing if what I was going to ask of him tonight was selfish or the right thing for everybody. So when four o'clock rolled around I had about three glasses of wine in my system as I headed for the shower.

Slowly washing my hair I allowed the memories of me and Brandon to wash over me. I allowed all the good times and even the bad times to wash over me as I thought about how much I loved him.

My favorite memory of the two of us was when his eyes landed on me when I went to the dance.

It's a look I will never be able to forget and I never wanted to as no guy has ever given me a look like that.

I was wearing the dress he had bought for me with the white Lilly he gave me pinned in my hair. The sea off people around us had opened up leaving a small path all the way from me to him.

It's like they could feel the pull between us. He was talking to his friends his back to me but all his friends stopped talking to stare at me and I was willing the determined look on my face to stay there.

So when he turned around to see what had their attention I nearly melted into a puddle right there on the floor. From all the across the floor I could see his eyes turn a dark blue as his Adams apple started bobbing up and down his throat.

His lips turned into a smile as I started to make my way towards him and then his eyes turns a lighter shade of blue as the lust was replaced with love and for a second time I nearly turned to a puddle on the dance floor.

But I kept walking and kept the determined look on my face and the moment my hands snaked around his neck and into his hair a surprised, shocked smile came onto his lips, and not willing to give him or me time to think about this I pulled his head down to mine.

And I tell you if it wasn't for his arms around him holding me up I would have most certainly turned into a puddle of goo from that kiss.

Shaking myself out of my daydream as the water turned cold. I quickly rinsed myself off and headed for my room.

Pulling open my closet I started to flip through what I wanted to wear. I think I tried on about fifty outfits before my eyes landed on my blue dress.

Pulling it out of my closet I allowed the memories to wash over me. It was a simple blue dress. But it held so many memories that tears threatened to jump to my eyes.

It was the dress I had on the day I tried to commit suicide. I choose the dress as I wanted to look my best when they found me. Always thinking it would be my housekeeper but in the end it was Brandon. It was also the dress I wore the day I went to dinner at his parents' house, the day I was released from the clinic.

I remember again picking the dress as it was the nicest thing in my closet and when I came out of my room Brandon stopped mid sentence when he saw me. After I asked him what was wrong he just mumbled the word sleeping beauty and the told me it was the same dress from that day.

I wanted to go and change after that but he didn't want me to. And that's when it dawned on me that he has been calling me sleeping beauty since the day I woke up in the hospital. I loved that nickname he gave me. It made me feel special.

Pulling the dress off the hanger my mind made up I pulled it over my head and headed to my dressing table to start on my hair. If my hair was still red and longer I would have looked the exact same as back then sad eyes and all.

Deciding just to blow dry my hair I pinned it up the one side leaving the other side to fall slightly over my face. Starting on my makeup I decided to keep it as simple as possible. Just a little bit of blusher here and there and a light blue shade on my eyes I finished off the look with grey eyeliner and some mascara.

Stepping back I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked good, but I looked sad. I was very hopeful for tonight but there was this little voice in the back of my head telling me you had your chance and you blew it. But determined to proof that little voice wrong I grabbed my bag and headed for the café.