Can You Feel My Heart [Fransykes]

Chapter 14

A week had passed since I realized I didn't like girls. I'd use the term gay, but I wasn't sure yet. I mean, I never liked boys either, so maybe I just had to have a strong emotional connection with someone to be attracted to them.

I was pretty much avoiding Josh hoping my 'thing' for him would disappear as sudden as it appeared, but I think I had a 'thing' for Josh since long before I even thought about it in that way. 

Maybe that was exactly the reason why I had the need to constantly remind everyone around me I was straight.

But I wasn't. God, it felt weird to admit that to myself even though I still wasn't sure was it a good or a bad thing. I mean, should I fight it or just let it be? Was it even possible to fight it? 

Vegan was pretty hyped about it and I was pretty sure he was secretly rooting for Josh and I to become a 'thing', but even though my feelings - if I could even call it that - I wasn't sure if I wanted that.

I mean, that means coming out or whatever and I wasn't quite ready for that. Then there's Josh's friends and admitting to them that they were right all along. With that would probably come telling Josh the truth too...

I sighed.

God, why was this so complicated? 

As I heard some techno music coming from downstairs I got off of my bed and ran towards the sound.

Oh, did I mention today was the first day of Christmas holidays which of course meant Josh was gonna throw a party. The parents were out, but this time we had their permission. 

"Already? It's not even 8 pm yet." I complained as I looked at Josh and my brother who were once again cooperating.

It seemed like Josh and Tom knew what collaboration was only when it came to parties. 

"It's practically a Christmas party which means it starts earlier." Elissa explained to me rolling her eyes probably finding this whole thing as ridiculous as I did.

"Yup!" Josh and Tom said at the same time. 

"Mhm, I'm gonna be in my room if anyone needs me." I announced and turned around, but before I could slip away Josh got my hand keeping me in place.

"No, no, no..." He said pulling me back. "I've barely seen you all week, you're partying with me. We have 25 days without school you're gonna celebrate that with me weather you like it or not." 

"Do I have to?" I whined.

I just didn't like parties. And with me being all confused and shit I wasn't quite sure if I could trust myself tipsy and I knew for a fact I'll have at least two drinks. 

"Yes, Oli, you have to." Josh told me pulling me into a hug from behind.

I practically melted into it. It was like every little thing Josh would do held a whole another meaning now that I was aware I had the 'thing' for him. 

I was still addressing it as a 'thing' because anything above a crush seemed a bit extreme considering I did love him - in a friend way though - I mean, I did grow up with him, and yet just crush seemed kinda empty.

Josh led me into the kitchen away from Elissa and Tom and just by the look on his face I could tell he wanted to talk to me without any extra ears. 

My suspicions were confirmed when he closed the kitchen door behind us and turned the key.

"You seem distant." He told me as I sat at the bar table. 

"What do you mean?" I asked very aware he probably noticed I've been avoiding him the whole week.