ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ꜰɪɴᴇ // 𝐦𝐠𝐜 - 𝐚𝐟𝐢

CIGARETTE 0

CIGARETTE 0

The tears sliding down my cheeks are cold against my heated skin. I tried, I tried to stop them from falling so quickly. I'm still trying, but there's nothing that I can do to stop them.

Leaving a wet trail down my red cheeks, the tears fall countlessly, staining my white skirt.

I came across a point that I don't know why they fall anymore, they just do and I can't stop them.

I'm so pathetic that I don't even know why I'm cry anymore.

The room is dark and the only light it's from the full moon that is coming through the open window. The air entering in the room isn't​ enough for me to breath, so I step outside to the fire escape sitting on the second step.

My trembling hands look for my cigarette pack in my black hoddie's pocket. Opening it, I find only one​ cigarette along with my lighter. I take both out, throwing the empty pack inside the window to my room and light the cigarette between my lips.

Why do things got to be like this? Will it ever get better? Or it will get even worse.

So worse that you stop sleeping, that not even your dreams can save you. You start feeling so helpless and hopeless all you want to do is to disappear and leave this world.

Alone, shattered, unfixable.

I stained too many skirts and pair of jeans with blood drops to feel better, to feel some kind of relief.

Tonight, there's no cigarette or cut that can make me feel more relieved. Tonight, there is nothing that can make me breathe.

Everything is suffocating me. Life is suffocating. The blood dripping down my arms and my lungs filled with smoke makes breath better. It's like a hand had a tight grip on my neck and as soon as the smoke fills my lungs or the blood start dripping, the grips loosens and lets me breathe a little more.

But tonight, not even those things make the grip around my neck loosen.

I wonder where he is.

Maybe still partying out there with his friends while I can barely breath.

But that's ok, what matters is that is happy and not seeing the mess I truly am. If he saw, he would leave me and I can't bear with it.

Just the thought makes my heart ache.

I love him so much. But my love it will never be enough. I'm not enough. He deserves the world and I can't give him that.

I let out a cry of frustration. The wind hitting my skin softly. It's refreshing, but not enough. I can still feel the agony clutching my heart so tightly​.

My gaze moves from my bare feet to down the street. It's high. If I fell down, would it kill me? Would a fall from the 5th floor kill me?

If I knew it did, I wouldn't think twice and I would jump off.

I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of the sleepless nights, I'm tired of trying and never succeed.

I can't make anyone proud of me. Not even myself.

I'm failing at my classes, I'm failing with him, I'm failing in life.

My life is full of failures and I'm the biggest one.

It's too cold to be outside. The autumn night is cold in New York. Too cold just to be with a skirt and a hoddie outside, but the cold doesn't bother me. I actually don't even feel it.

There's no more cigarette, it already burnt out. I throw it down, hopping it doesn't hit anyone's head.

I hear the apartment's door closing in a thump and quickly go back inside, wiping and drying my tears away with the back of my hand.

The house's heat hits my body, making it shiver. I close the window, picking up the empty cigarette's pack that landed on the bed beside the window minutes ago and shove it into the bin by the desk. The room is lighted with the yellow light coming from the half-opened door.

I open it completely, the strong yellow light burning my eyes and I see him with a wide smile, taking his coat off. He looks so happy. I love seeing him with a smile on his face. I love the way his dimples complete his smile so angelically.

He's such an angle.

"Hey babe, how are you?" He asks, not really looking at me, as he takes off his shoes.

"I'm fine." I swallow the lump in my throat with a smile. "What about you?"

"I' great." He looks up, sending me a big smile and starts walking to the kitchen.

I just watch him disappearing through the door and mutter under my breath, like a reminder to myself. "I'm just fine."

A/N: just a short prologue.
I'm going to update this story every week so yeah, stay tuned
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Tell me what you you think so far, :)

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