ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ꜰɪɴᴇ // 𝐦𝐠𝐜 - 𝐚𝐟𝐢

CIGARETTE 8

CIGARETTE 8

Home is supposed to be warm. Warm and welcoming. That's not what I can say about my house.

As I open the door of my apartment, a sad sigh leaves my mouth. Nobody's home, as expected.

Cold. Dark.

The clock on the wall above the small tv marks ten past three. I don't know nothing about Ashton, as per usual.

It's just sad at this point. I can't bring myself to bother anymore, but at the same time, I can't stop thinking about the issue our relationship has become.

I walk to the room I share with Ashton and dump my jacket on the floor, not bothering to pick it up. I take all of my clothes off, forming pile on the floor and with a white towel around my slim body, I go to the bathroom for a shower.

The warm water hits my skin softly and I feel a lump in my throat, a knot tightening.

Maybe I'm not enough. I'm not enough for Ashton. I'll never be. That's why he doesn't care anymore. He saw I could never be enough for him.

Who wants a fuck up like me? No-one.

The day Ashton first told me he loved me, I thought that maybe I wasn't such a fuck up and I could be enough for him.

But I was wrong.

I can stop lying saying that I'm fine. Because fine or not, he'll never care. He'll never care because I'll never be enough.

A sob escapes my mouth, but no tears come out. I place both my hands on the shower wall and look down at my feet. Sobs fills the room as the water keeps sliding down my skin.

I don't want to give up on Ashton. I need him so much. I'll be lost without him.

I can get better. Perhaps I can try harder to be the best for him, everything will be back to normal.

Slowly, I walk back to the bedroom. Mind blank, no emotion passing through my body.

The towel slides my body down, making me exposed in front of my body length mirror. My eyes study the body in front of me. Skinny, limp, full of marks. White scars thighs​ down, arms up.

I still remember the day he saw my old scars, high school scars. He made me promise to never slash my skin ever again. I broke my promise.

I'm sorry Ashton, love. I'm sorry I had broken my promise, grabbed my razor and cut my thigh.

I just couldn't handle the pain and he wasn't here to help me. He stopped being here for me when I most needed him.

I hear the apartment's open and close and my name being called. "Madi?"

I quickly find some clothes to cover my body. In a rush, I dress up some underwear, a pair of black sweatpants and a sweatshirt. "I'm in the bedroom. I'll be out in a minute."

Ashton steps inside and I'm already fully dressed, making me sigh in relief. I don't want him to be disappointed that I broke my promise.