ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ꜰɪɴᴇ // 𝐦𝐠𝐜 - 𝐚𝐟𝐢

CIGARETTE 23

CIGARETTE 23

The sun is warm, delivering this nice and light atmosphere around making me take my breakfast coffee along with my toast outside.

I sit down by the round table set in the back porch and look at the backyard, reminding the memories I made here.

I have never been an outside person, I'm still not, but the sun and all the view of its reflection in the backyard were just too appealing to pass the opportunity.

The backyard isn't that big, but it is enough for the barbecue my parents throw every Sunday after church. My parents are religious and there's no Sunday that they miss a mass. When I was a kid, I would go with them, but as I grew older, my mom gave me the option to go or not and I stopped going.

My mother believes that everyone has their own faith and beliefs and that they shouldn't be forced. She says nobody should be forced to believe in anything.

As I drink my coffee, I look around not thinking of anything at all. Today I didn't wake up at my best and with no will to get up at all. It's not that i feel sad, but happy isn't it either. I feel like if a truck ran over me right now, I wouldn't even care at all.

It's weird, i don't really know how to describe the feeling burning inside me. Maybe it's because there's no feeling at all and I'm just empty. Maybe it's this emptiness, this void that's bothering me.

Sometimes I cry, it relieves the ache. But even if I wanted to cry right now, I can't. It's like my tears have dried. For much i want to cry to make the weight lighter, I can't.

Michael texted me this morning, asking if i want to hang out today. But to be honest, i don't think i want to leave the house today. I have no will to do anything. I just want to curl up into a ball and feel sorry and pity for myself.

I cried last night. For no reason at all. I don't remember why i cried, that's why I think there was no logic reason for the tears shed last night. This wave of sorrow hit me hard. It hit me releasing hot tears.

It's these kind of things that make me feel pathetic. They make me feel like i'm just a fucking joke who cries for no reason and starts feeling sad as the wind changes.

Stupid. Why am I like this.

"Madison." My mother's voice makes me blink twice and interrupts my train of thought. I look at her as she sits down on the seat across for me. "We need to talk." I don't say anything, just giving her a nod so she starts the conversation. "I think you should start seeing Dr. Harrington again." The seriousness of her tone makes me freeze.

Dr. Harrington was the psychologist that I start seeing when I tried to kill myself. She helped, she helped me a lot, I admit. I probably wouldn't have make it without her and probably have tried it a second time with hopes the job would be done this time. I stop seeing her by the same time i stop taking my pills, in semaphore year. College was chaotic enough and I stop having time to keep seeing her every week. Dr. Harrington said and agreed that i was good enough to keep going without her.

It is no lie i was doing great at that time. Although classes were chaotic and stressful, I felt good and happy. I had Ashton and college was going well enough. Life was good at that period.

But then, in the beginning of senior year, when i moved to Bronx with Ashton, things went downhill. I know i started getting worse when I went to live with him.