ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ꜰɪɴᴇ // 𝐦𝐠𝐜 - 𝐚𝐟𝐢

CIGARETTE 10

CIGARETTE 10

Have you ever felt like the time passes right in front of your eyes but you don’t even feel it? Like it was stopped but in reality, it was still going like always?

I can see everything pass through my eyes but it’s almost like I can’t move. I don’t do anything, I just watch.

It came to a point I’m just a viewer of my own life. I don’t live, I watch. I watch everything, every detail, every person, passing right through me but I can’t do anything.

The strength to live has drained and I’m just sat down and watching everything.

It’s tiring. I can’t say it’s not, because it is. It’s too much for me at this point.

“Madi.” Elle’s voice brings me back to reality and my gaze moves away from the window and lands on them.

“Hmm.”

“Is everything ok?” I’m not sure if their expression shows worry or distrust.

“Yeah…” The word barely leaves my mouth, there’s a knot on my throat tightening.

They let out a sigh. “Madi-“ The tone of voice is serious and I know what awaits me already. “The last time I saw you like this, it was almost too late.”

I quickly get the message. I know what it means.

“It’s different this time.” I quickly say, so they don’t get the wrong idea.

“Are you-“

I don’t even let them finish. “Yeah. I’ve got to go now.” I excuse myself, setting up and grabbing my paper cup that still contains black coffee.

“Already?”

“Yeah, need to do something at home.” I lie poorly and leave the coffee shop.

Walking down the street in a quick pace, my mind goes blank. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing. I get rid of my paper cup as I pass by a trash bin and look for my cigarette pack in my jacket’s pockets.

My vision is a big blur. My hands are shaking as I try to light up the cigarette.

I don’t know where to go. Why go home when it doesn’t feel like home anymore?

The cigarette burns, and I don’t see for where I’m going. After stepping on the cigarette butt that I threw to the floor, I find myself going down the stair to the subway.

Without even thinking, I get inside of the subway, just like I do every day to go home.

Home.

I don’t know where home is anymore.
Home used to be where he was, but he doesn’t feel like home anymore, just a dark, cold room.

How did he lose his warmth?
I miss it. I want him back.

Just like everybody else, I climb up the stair to the street in regular pace. Not too slow, not too fast. Regular, normal, routine.