ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ꜰɪɴᴇ // 𝐦𝐠𝐜 - 𝐚𝐟𝐢

CIGARETTE 13

CIGARETTE 13 

His brown eyes shine brighter than the sun, his smile is bigger than the moon, you can see his happiness grow bigger and bigger as he gets closer to me, wrapping his little arms around my hips and his head resting on my stomach.

"Madi, I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too, Bruce." I can't help but smile down at my brother, as my hands caress his dark brown hair.

Bruce starts talking enthusiastically about his Pokémon game which I happily listen to. I missed him more than ever. I missed his smile, his genuine happiness, the afternoons spent playing Pokémon or Mario Kart with him and the movie nights we would do without my parents knowing.

My brother and I, have always been really close. When he was born, he was the best thing that happened in my life. And I hate myself that I wasn't strong enough for him. When I tried to get away from this world, I didn't think of him but my pain and myself. I should have thought of him, the pain he would feel if I actually had left for good.

I'm so selfish.

An hour later Bruce left to do some homework and I use this time alone to relax a bit in my room. The door closes behind me as I walk to my record player. My knees hit the floor as I'm in front on my pile of old and new records. My fingers dance through the the carton, a smile invades my lips and I take the case of the record that probably has been the most played in this room.

I move the needle up forward and the guitar starts playing and I feel a relief growing inside me. The nostalgia kicking in, making a small smile appear on my face.

The voice of Joe Strummer echoes through the room and all I do is let out a sigh of contentment.

I walk to my bed and lay down with my phone in my hand. It's full of unread messages and missed calls from Ellie. Ashton problem talked to them.

I turn it off and forget the world around me.

The thought of Ashton comes in my as a reminder I can't keep running away and need to face my problems and fix them.

But truth to be told, i don't know what to do and the dark and unknown make me anxious. I just ran away and know i don't how how to face Ashton. I don't know if i should go back to his arms or put and end of what we call a relationship.

It pains me being away from him, but it also pains me when he's so close to me but feels so far away.

The words he told me the night i ran away play on repeat in my head. the image of his tears don't seem to leave my mind.

the feeling of my heart breaking invades my chest. it's hard to breath. The tears fall from his face and also from mine.

The violet walls get all blurry and all I see is mess, a big mess. The familiar melody echoes through my ears and i try to calm myself down.

I reach for my phone and turn it on. More texts from Ellie drops and also one from Ashton.

From: 💞 ash 💞
I'm sorry, please let me fix things
08:03pm

Things can't keep going like this forever. The week will be soon gone and i need to go back. Hiding is not the solution. I need to do something about it.

Although my heart says something and my head says the opposite, i already know what to follow.