ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ꜰɪɴᴇ // 𝐦𝐠𝐜 - 𝐚𝐟𝐢

CIGARETTE 11

CIGARETTE 11

Warm, the scent of nostalgia hits my senses. Everything feels better here and brings the good memories from the past. A distant one.

Childhood. When everything was better, when everything was good. I was good, in a good place.

I miss it. I miss the feeling of not having a single worry. When happiness would overflow around me and everything seemed lighter, brighter.

The mug of coffee warms my hands, as it has been doing for the last two years, but it feels different. It's not void, it's something else, something that feels way better.

“How's your coffee?” I hear my mom's voice behind me and before I can answer, she sits in front of me.

“It's great, thanks.” A small smile is all I can give.

“I wasn't expecting your visit.”

“Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't call. It was a last minute thing.”

“I'm worried about you, Madison.” Concern is way too noticeable in her tone and it breaks my heart.

Seeing my mother worried hurts me even more than it hurt seeing Ashton cry. I caused too much pain to my mother already.

“You haven’t said anything since Christmas Madison. And the last time I saw you, you didn’t look so fine.” My mom says, hurt in her eyes and worry in her words.

I’m left speechless because it’s true. Looking down at my mug with shame, I say nothing, hoping she continues the conversation without me. I need to know what else she thinks, and I need more time to figure out what I’ll say to take this worry off her tired shoulders.  

“You used to call every week, but you stopped. The shine that I used to see in your eyes, has vanished again and I'm so worried. Madi, last time was almost too late and I don't want to pass through that again. If Elle didn't go to your room you wouldn't be here now and I can't think that you're passing through  something like that again.”

I quickly get the message, the blur passing through my mind knowing too well what she's talking about.

Her eyes shine, like they are about to explode and vert tears. My hand rests on hers, for reassurance.

“I'm sorry, mom.” I finally say. Guilt consuming me. “I know I've been distant, but please, don't worry. Is just college that has been too much too handle.”

“Madison.” She's not convinced, I know she's not. “You're not lying, are you?”

“No, mom I'm not.”

“I just can't see you like that again.”

“Mom, I'm fine.” I send her a smile. “I was bad back then, but I saw a doctor and got well. I'm fine, mom, I'm fine.”

I'm fine.

♪♪♪

I never tried so much to hide the pain behind a smile as I did for the last twenty-four hours for the sake of my parents. Ashton never tried too much to see behind my game smile and laughs, but my mom does. She tries hard and it hurts me seeing her with that concern on her back.