I Don't Even Know Your Name

Don't Let Go

*Ruth's POV*

Thankfully, they were able to resuscitate our baby, but the only thing I could feel was heartbreak. Though I had a little more hope, now that she was hooked up to the ventilator, It was still the deepest, most painful heart break I have ever experienced. 

Shawn and I stared at our poor little daughter, who lay in the clear glass box in front of us. She had wires and valves coming out of her every which way. She was so tiny and fragile, only three pounds, four ounces. I was afraid even if I touched her, she would break.

"What's gonna happen?"I asked Shawn, who knelt next to me, while I sat in my wheel chair.

"I don't know, whatever happened, we're just going to have to be strong." He said, clenching my hand that rested on the arm of the chair.

I didn't understand. I had done everything to make sure that I stayed healthy during the pregnancy. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I ate well, I exercised, took my prenatal vitamins. It didn't add up. If she doesn't survive, will I even want to get pregnant again? Could I even bare knowing that another baby may not make it? How will this effect Shawn? We don't even have a name picked out.....

"Shawn, shouldn't we give her a name?"

"Oh yeah, we should. I've been so worried I forgot." He said in a weary tone. It had been hours since the surgery, so at this point, it was three A.M. Both of us barely had even the energy to speak. "Do you have any ideas?"

"I don't know. With all those chords hooked up to her, she's doing pretty well. She seems like a fighter, maybe a name that represents that?"

"Yeah, she's just like her Mom." He replied with a grin.

"Thanks babe." I said, a dim smile spread across my face.

"If not something that represents strength, it should at least be something meaningful." He stated.

"Yeah, I agree." I said.

 We both sat and thought for a moment... Nothing was coming to me. I was too concerned to think.  

"What about..... Lavender?" Shawn asked, turning his gaze at me.

That was it, I couldn't think of a better name for our daughter. The smell of my hair is the one thing that Shawn has never forgotten about the first time we met. He was such a sucker for mushy gushy things like that. And she was so delicate and sweet, just like a flower.

"That's perfect." I responded by planting a kiss on his lips.

"Mr. and Mrs. Mendes." I heard an approaching voice say.

"Yes?" Shawn said, while both of us turned around. Dr. Smith took her stance next to the ventilator, ready to give us more information.

"So, have you picked a name yet?" She said with a smile.

"Yes, her name is Lavender." I responded.

"That's a beautiful name."

"Thank you, if was Shawn's idea." I shot a smirk at him.

"Aw, that's sweet. I think it fits her very well." She said, sticking her finger in the open hole of the ventilator. She pet Lavender's hand very gently, then turned her gaze back to us. "Unfortunately, I have some bad news."

Great. Has anything good happened to our daughter yet?

"You won't be able to take her home for a while. She is very premature, and some of her organs have not fully developed yet.... Like her lungs."

I was speechless, even though I already knew there was a good possibility of that information being given to us. I just wanted to hold our baby, and I wasn't going to be able to do that when she's hooked up to all those wires.

"But, Ruth will be recovering for a while, so she'll be ready by the time Ruth's healed, right?" Shawn asked anxiously.

"Well, no. You see, it's going to take months. And we're not even sure if she will make it still. She's very fragile." Smith responded.

I looked at Shawn, and saw the terror slowly wipe over his face. I rested my head on his shoulder, while I let tears drip down my face. I could feel Shawn's tense body, he was shaking with anxiety. I rubbed his back, hoping that he would calm down.

"I promise you that we are doing everything we can." She said in reassurance.

"I know, it's okay." I chocked.

"I'll let you three have some time alone then. I'm very sorry." Smith said, trying to hold back a tear in her eye. She walked out the door of the NICU, and Shawn and I worried in silence.

~

It had been a month since I was discharged from the hospital, and everyday since then l, Shawn and I have visited Lavender in the NICU. On days where we couldn't make it, Dr. Smith called to update us on how she was doing. Luckily, Lav has been growing and developing into a healthy baby. Each day she was able to breathe better on her own, and now, she didn't even need the ventilator. Things were looking up.

"Hey babe, dinner's ready!" I called, as I stirred a pot of boiling soup on the stove.

"Coming!" Shawn's distant voice answered.

"Have you heard from Dr. Smith today?" I asked him, as he took his seat at the round, white table.

"No, have you?" He questioned.

"No, not- speaking of which." I said, taking my ringing phone off of the kitchen counter.

"Hello, Dr. Smith." I said.

"Hi Ruth. So there seems to have been a problem."

I felt my heart beginning to pound, but not in an "I love Shawn so much" way.

"Lavender has stopped breathing, so we are flying her to a different hospital, where many of the doctors specialize in infant care. The ventilator is the only thing allowing her to breath."

"O- okay." I said, monotoned. "What hospital is it?" I asked nervously. Shawn quickly stood from his chair and came over to me. He saw the fear in my eyes, and I could tell he was becoming just as panicked as I was.

"St. Mary's in Toronto."

"Okay, we'll be there soon. Thanks." I finished, clicking the little red dot on the phone screen.

I took the phone away from my ear, and looked down at it while it sat in my palm. She was doing so well, I don't get why she just stopped breathing? Hasn't she already been through enough? Haven't Shawn and I been through enough?

"Ruth." Shawn, lifting my chin with his fingers. His brown eyes looking deeply into mine.

"What's going on?" He questioned worriedly.

"Lav stopped breathing. We need to go." Somehow sound was able to escape from my vocal chords. I felt a haze fall over my senses, engulfing me in a foggy cloud.

"Is she going to be okay?" He asked, grasping his fingers firmly around my arms.

"I don't know." Now I stared blankly into space.

Shawn immediately pulled me into a warm embrace, his strong arms wrapped tightly around me. I buried my face in his chest, taking in a deep breath of his sweet scent.

"We'll be okay." He spoke in his beautiful, easing tone. 

In this moment, all I wanted was to stay in his arms for the rest of eternity. Where I felt totally safe, and all negativity was erased from my mind.