My Fairytale Ending

Chapter Fifteen

Night terrors.

I had only heard about them from elder magi, but I have never experienced them. My heart was racing, skin prickling and freezing, arms going wild, when Elfman had to wake me by force.

"Lisanna, what the hell is going on?" His face was filled with distress and worry.

I racked my mind for an answer, but I can't even remember what I was dreaming about, or why I was spazzing.

"I honestly have no idea what that was, I guess it was a night terror?"

"That's serious, if it seriously was a night terror. But Mira is freaking out because she thinks you are descending back into the depression you had when you were still with Hibiki."

"Psh, I could never get that down again." No, it's worse. "Things just aren't going as planned. Well, no planned isn't the right word, more like they aren't going as I imagined."

"Not everything always works out the way we want it to, you just have to pick yourself back up."

I bit my lip. "I've tried, I keep ending up hurt, though."

"If that happens, you keep trying. This is exactly the same behavior you had when Hibiki was around."

"I am trying!" I yelled, snapping. "You don't think I want to be happy?"

"That's not what I'm saying," he attempted to keep his voice calm.

"It is what you are saying! I may be weak, and it may not seem like I'm trying that hard, but inside there is a war going on."

"Then don't fight it alone, tell someone-"

"I can't! I have a problem, I want to tell people but something won't let me."

"That's bullshit!" It was his turn to snap. "You say things like you aren't ok, with tears in your eyes and fear all over your face, only to turn around with a smile and say everything is fine. As if you hadn't broken down."

"Because no one would understand! Everyone would call me crazy, no one would see me the same, there's so much going on."

"Then stop holding back and speak, don't keep it all inside. No one can help you if they have no clue what's going on!"

He continued yelling, but my thoughts were louder. He wants you to confess, he wants to tell everyone you killed Cana. He wants to tell everyone it was your fault, all your fault. He wants you to take blame, bring Bacchus' name to justice. He doesn't want me acting like I did when Hibiki and I were still together. He doesn't want me acting like I did. He doesn't want me acting. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want me.

I don't want me.

"Elfman that's enough!" Mira's voice boomed into the room.

"It's not enough, it's never enough!"

"Lisanna isn't doing well, and yelling at her is not helping whatsoever," she said through clenched teeth.

"Neither is the fact that she's not communicating with us."

"I'm trying my best!" I joined in.

"Not this again," Elfman threw his hands up.

"Elfman. Leave. Now." Mira pointed at the door.

"You can't help her, Mira. Not unless she starts talking-"

"I can't even save my best friend from herself."

Cana.

"Get out!" Mira shrieked. "We've already lost Lisanna once, we aren't losing her again, especially not over the crap you are trying to pull."

"I don't want to lose her, that's why I want her to tell us what's going on! Why is that so hard to understand?"

"Why is it so hard to understand that I can't talk about it?" My voice cracked. He met my eyes, his face softening slightly. His jaw was still set, he wasn't backing down.

"You aren't helping right now, take a breather and calm down. I saw Evergreen in the dinning area," Mira put her hand on his shoulder. He nodded and left. She turned to me, "Whatever he said before I got here, he didn't mean it. He's really worried about you."

"Yeah."

Lies, he doesn't want me. All I do is cause trouble. All I am is trouble.

"Can I ask what caused the fight?"

"I had a night terror and couldn't explain what it was or what caused it." Well, half of that is true. She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "Uhm," I started, getting her attention. "Have you heard from Bickslow?"

Her expression saddened, her mouth turning into a frown. "No, Master is trying to track down what job request he took up and will give me an estimate of about how long he will be gone."

"He doesn't have to do that for me.."

"If it's something that's bothering you, everyone here will put their full effort into helping out. And if Bickslow is bothering you, we are damn sure going to find him so you guys can work things out."

"I I don't know how to respond."

"You don't have to."

"It's ok, you don't have to."

My heart stopped for a second. No, no, no, I can't go back down Cana's path. Hibiki and Bacchus tormenting me are all I can deal with, and with the Bickslow situation and more, this is too much.

"Why don't we change your bandages and see how you can do standing on your own. Master said if you feel well enough to take a few steps, you can leave the infirmary."

I pulled my shirt over my head as she went to the other side of the room.

What if I don't want to leave? What if my life is a constant night terror?

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