Shorts, Poems, and Imagines

Short #15: "It feels like..."

Everyday... I am reminded by mother, wether it's in purpose or not, that I am disgusting. I am disgusting because of who I choose to kiss. I am disgusting because I am a sinner. Even though it's not directed at me... It feels like she talking to me. I am always told not to love the same gender, and the moment I felt that attraction, I was felt scared. Something new was released inside of me. Something dark and dangerous. At first I tried ignoring it, but the more I ignored it, the more it wanted my attention. It screamed for my attention to be honest. It always screams and I always try my best to ignore it. Until one day I saw it start eating me away. It ate away half of my body away. I felt like I had no chance against this force. I started losing hope. I thought that I'd never have a future, especially that this monstrous force has already eaten two of my limbs. When I try to think about a great future where I would be happy, it would always be replaced with a thought that I won't make it. This force would've eaten me whole already before I even got the chance to be truly happy.

It's almost similar to Leprosy. The more it gets ignored, the more dangerous it gets, and the more it eats all of your muscle and skin. Right now I feel like I'm in critical condition. It's eaten half of my heart away. One of my lungs have been eaten away too which makes it impossible to breathe. This is what it feels like... And I'm not even scared anymore. I want it to be fucking over with. I want it to just eat me away. Everyone I love thinks I'm disgusting. I don't even know if I can trust her... She says she doesn't care, but whenever I bring the subject up. She makes up an excuse and suggest men, which I don't like anymore. I want to tell her I'm not interested in those anymore... But I'm afraid that after that... We won't have anything to talk about. She hates me too... I know it. Everybody hates me. I don't care about what you will say. You are all lying. You're all lying to yourselves. You don't like me or love me. You hate me. It's better off that I'm dead. No one cares. You all hate me. You don't care about me. You're just lying to make me feel better. I won't believe your lies. You all mat me. Fuck you all.