Shorts, Poems, and Imagines

Short #24: "Like a neverending rollercoaster"

Before going into therapy. I was a loss case of depression, anxiety, and trauma. Them going into therapy I started to want to live again for the first time in years. However after not being in therapy for awhile is taking a toll on me. Other times I'm happy and productive and carefree. Sometimes I'm a rollercoaster of emotions. I feel sad, unmotivated, wanting to die every second, wanting to be wanted, have urges of drinking more than my regular dosage of meds that I take every morning in attempts to feel happy again. These feelings are coming more often, especially when I'm alone. I feel like I'm in danger of myself when I'm alone and when I'm stuck inside my own head, it's so much worse.

The dreams are getting more and more violent. I dream of dying and killing everyone I love. I dream of situation I never want to be in. I dream of all the bad possible things that might happen to me or my family. When I first had them, I merely brushed them off. But now I just can't ignore them. I need to find balance but I can't seem to find it. My mind turns overdosing on my medication or using it as recreational drugs. I'm scared of myself. I want to tell other people how I feel, but this heavy feeling of doubt in my chest just never goes away.

The burden of having friends who are far worse than you. Not gonna lie I love them like my own family and I would do literally anything for them. But I'm back to square one where I just can't seem to want to take care of myself or my sanity anymore. I push myself aside to try and help others. Sometimes it doesn't even work and it makes me wanna die even more. I need to talk to a therapist but nothing is happening at the moment. I'm nearing the edge. Hopefully this year I won't have my first suicide attempt.

God... the world is just going to shit it makes it hard for me to want to live... my optimism is crippling away slowly... I just... I can't anymore...