Shorts, Poems, and Imagines

Short #21: Alone

I'm on the verge of self harm. And maybe soon enough, a suicide attempt. This painful feeling of loneliness is overwhelming me and filling me to the brim. I feel like I'm losing everything and everyone. I'm losing my passion and will to do anything. At this point I fail to see what matters anymore. I used to write good paragraphs and now when I want to write a story, I could barely make up a single word. When I try to compose or create something on that canvas, just a single pencil mark makes me feel frustrated and feel like a useless talentless human being. I've lost the will to take care of myself and actually eat real food for once. The other day my diet only consisted a bag of potato chips and water. Today was even worse as I've eaten only a whole bag of chocolate and only one single bite of the Italian sausage my mother bought from the store. I lied when I told her I ate food. I lie to her more often than I'd like and to other people as well. That's not good.

I'm losing my friends to my own stupid social anxiety. I've lost my best friend who used to read every one of these things I write. I never talk to her anymore because I'm such a lazy bitch who lies and lies all the time. I push away those who actually cares about me fearing that I'll be a waste of their time. When I know I should probably say something to them. But all they hear from me is complaints. And I fear that they're getting sick of me. I'm losing my mother to work. She works her ass off to keep us healthy and comfortable and I do the opposite of what she wants. I hide myself from school fearing that they'll judge me or they'll only say "other people have gone through worse" and other have worse problems and are in worse situations than mine. I'm losing my home country to war and violence and I don't even know when I'll be back. Soon enough everyone I love will die and I'll be left in the dark. My friends in school that makes me feel less alone will all graduate and I'll be all alone. I feel like I deserve it all, for being a selfish brat who only thinks of themselves. I'm already preparing myself for the pain, and I'm already feeling it. The feeling of loss and loneliness is washing over me once more.

I'm so goddamn broken... Everything else is broken as well. My world is collapsing more and more. I just want everything to end. Get it all over with. Just strike me at your worse and get it done. Let me feel the worse pain and soon enough take me away. My situation was like 6 years ago. Only worse. I want to go back home, but now I feel like I don't have a home. I've lost my friends. I've lost my family. I've lost everything. And I'm trying to pull myself together. Holding up all these broken pieces and telling everyone "I'm okay." When I'm not. I'm only hurting more and more saying those words and not saying what I really feel. I've completely given up and I don't want to tell anybody how I'm really feeling because I am nothing but a coward. I'm a lonely coward and that's what I am.