Shorts, Poems, and Imagines

Short #: "Depressing New"

I promised myself I would be more sociable, more out going, be your fucking self. It's not paying well. This constant need of trying to fit in a place you're not quite familiar of is tiring and draining. No matter how hard I try, no one wants me in their group. I'm a foreigner. I even feel like outcast in a place full of outcast where outcasts are supposed to talk to each other. I can't even fit in there. I try and try all the time, but people just ignore me and pretend I'm not there. You could say I'm seeking for attention if so, then I am. I used to say I never really wanted to be in a spotlight, but living in a household where your voice is silenced and your true self is hidden at all times sucks like hell. You would get tired of it and you will look for attention. Awhile ago in school, this girl whom I always said hi to, gave me weird glances and pretended I wasn't saying hi to her. It broke me. She was with this other girl too who I was with in a field trip December 12, yesterday. She pretended I didn't exists. It broke me to pieces and now my pieces can never be found. The people who I hang out with and say hi to never talk to me. One always have a sour look on her face, and the other on her phone and probably starving herself and planning a suicide in her head. Not that I want to help her, I really do. I don't know how to help her. This is when I think about what my best friend would do. When I was depressed and planning a suicide in my head, she always pulled me back to reality and made sure an was alive. And now I'm out in her position, but I don't know what to do. Meanwhile, my grades are plummeting and just like me, I don't know how to pull it up. I haven't cried in a long time and I feel like it's the one thing I need right now. Let all that pain translate into water as they flow out of my eyes. I need that pain to go away in order for me to function well. I'm falling deep into depression and I just need someone I know, someone who speaks my native tongue and knows me more than I know myself. I need to go home. I don't care how fucked up it is there. I just need someone who will understand.