quit-reset-try again {destiel}

the rubble

Major trigger warning. Please stay safe. Nothing graphic, just a description of the feelings or lack thereof. 

Cas watched the cars pass by his hidden spot, listening to the sounds of the university campus and wishing they were just a little louder, just so they could drown out his thoughts. It was 2 in the afternoon, on a bright and happy autumn Sunday, and Cas just wished he could crawl into the darkest, deepest of caves and die.

Salty tears were streaming down his pale face, and silent sobs were racking his already fragile body. Every inhale of breath hurt his sore lungs and his chapped, pale lips were bloody from his constant biting.

Bark and dirt-streaked his precious pale trench coat and dry and delicate leaves littered his jet black hair. Dean's words rang through his head, getting louder and louder until they almost drowned out his own voice, that was screaming its usual chant.

Cas was sitting on a branch, back leaning against the tree leaves falling all around him. It was almost picturesque. A beautifully,

broken boy surrounded by fire coloured dying leaves and rough, coffee hued bark. He made a mental note that this would make an amazing painting, and then a sob filled him and spilt from his destroyed lips.

A thought slapped him on the face, and it worried Cas so much he almost fell out of his dying tree. His pale hands scrambled for a grip and he righted himself, breathing heavily.

What would happen if Dean found his paintings? The only reason he had taken them to Uni was because he couldn't leave them at home, his family would've shredded and burned them. He had taken them to his dorm room and stowed them under his bed. The last thing Cas needed now was Dean snooping and finding them.

The paint streaked canvas' were filled with Dean. There were other things too, paintings of what he felt his mind looked like, but they were mainly his Dean. His just out of reach, perfectly evil, Dean.

There were candy apple green eyes that changed to spring leaves and freckles that faded into constellations. There were Cupid bows lips that twisted into cherry blossoms and tan skin that transformed into Hawaiian beaches. And then there was simply Dean. Page upon canvas, painting upon sketch of Dean.

Dean. Everything that had screwed Cas up was Dean's fault. He had just finished sorting himself out when Dean showed up the first time. A whirlwind romance, filled with empty promises and broken hearts. And then Dean had left. Sure, he had all the right reasons, but god it still messed Cas up. He shuddered, remembering the aftermath.

And then he pieced himself back together, slowly, meticulously and painfully, until he was finally okay again. Until he had finally won it and had the scars to prove it.

But then Dean, perfect Dean, flawless Dean had to show up and destroy him again. The walls came crashing down, burying Cas in the process, and he was just clawing his way out the rubble. Emerging from the debris, Cas had stood up, victorious.

And

Dean

Had

Shot

Him

Down