quit-reset-try again {destiel}

the discovery

Trigger warning

Dean opened the crumpled piece of paper Nikki had given him. He then hastily folded it back up again.

This was the seventh time he'd done this since the group had left, and it was driving him nuts. Taking a deep breath, he opened the paper with shaking hands, and began reading, emerald eyes wide and eager to devour the words imbued into the paper. 

"To Gabriel, my brother and my lifeline.

I really wish I wasn't this weak. I wish with all my heart that it didn't have to end like this. But it does.

My life's run out. I'm done. I'm so so so so done. I just can't anymore. It has nothing to do with you! Nothing at all! Please never ever blame yourself for this.

I'm a frickin' mess. Everything I touch I break, everything I look at shatters. I screw up anything and everything, and I'm worth nothing. I help no one and hinder everyone.

You helped me get through the worst times of my entire life. I just.... I couldn't keep going not after everything.

Not after Rafael and Noami. Not after their constant verbal abuse. Not after their venomous lies and truths slipped their way into the cracks in my fragile armour and rooted there. Not after being kicked out of the only place, I could call home. Not after being used as a plaything to the one person I have my heart too. Not after being torn to shreds and then scattered throughout the world, so there was no chance of putting myself back together.

Gabe, I can ask only this of you, and hope you do not hate me enough after discovering this note if you would be so kind as to give these words to the people they are addressed to?

Dean Winchester: You hurt me. You destroyed me. You broke me. But oh god I love you so much. So damn much Dean I can't explain. My heart swells when I see you smile and bursts when I hear your laugh.

Your eyes sparkle, and green doesn't describe them well enough. They're forests and meadows crossed with emeralds and algae. They're limes and gold and turtle shells and palm trees. Your hair is frickin' gold and chocolate and sunlight all in one. 

You screwed me up but you showed me the world. You took me out my sad little life and I will forever love you for it.

Gabe: You are the nicest, most honest, hardworking, protecting,  caring, clever, and wonderful person. You are so undeniably amazing and the best person in my entire life. I would've died a lot sooner if you hadn't followed me when I got kicked out. Thank you. Forever, thank you.

To Nikki: You made hell on earth and purgatory liveable. You made me as happy as a person could be there. Thank you so much for that. I really and truly hope you and whoever you end up with our happy.'God knows you deserve it.

To whoever Nikki ends up with. Treat her right, or I'll come back and haunt your ass. Thanks for being there for her, even if she believes she doesn't need help.

To Sam Winchester: Be there for Dean, okay? If he ever cared.

Garth: Don't let anyone tell you who to be. You are a special individual, people like you only come around once in a blue moon. Never let anyone or anything take that away from you.