Boy Meets Boy

Self-Loathing Can Be Destructive

Remus woke up to a hand in his hair.

"Sirius, Merlin's pants! You're awake!" Remus shot up straight up, his chair crashing behind him. "I've been so worried about you! I'm so glad you woke-"

"Remus?"

"Huh."

"Is that mine?" Sirius looked down at Remus' stained hands.

"What do you mean? They are obviously my hands." Remus was suddenly embarrassed as he hid his hands in his pockets.

"I'm not daft, Remus. That's from...yesterday, isn't it?"

"Maybe, but that doesn't matter. I have my own questions, though." Remus looked quite grim, the smile falling from his lips, the light from his eyes. "Actually, just one. Why?"

"Why not," Sirius shrugged. "It's not like I have a family anymore, so who do I have that will love me now?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Remus was red in the face, a side effect of his sudden rage. "I love you, you asshole!"

"If you really love me, Remus, then please explain to me what the fuck happened in March?! All I did was find a way to help you during the worst point for you, and you turned your back on me, left me, hated me! It took James dragging you to the dorms for you to even look at me, truly look at me! So excuse me if it is hard for me to believe you love me." Sirius stared at his bandages like they were the most interesting things in the world. "It's not like anyone can love me. I'm too screwed up. I'm just a disappointment, and I ruin everything I touch, and everyone would have been better off if you hadn't found me."

"Sirius, that is absolutely not true," Remus croaked thickly. "I love you so much it hurts. I never hated you, I was just angry. Sirius, I would hate myself more than I already do if you were hurt or worse, because of me. That's why I was upset. I never want what I am to affect you, ever."

"How can you hate yourself?" Sirius didn't understand how someone as great as Remus could feel self-loathing.

"Because I'm a monster, Sirius, and I always will be."

"You aren't a monster. You are an amazing guy. You have a good heart, you're smart, you are so funny, even if you only let me know that. A monster wouldn't be here with such a fuck up right now. I can't do anything right, it seems. Hell, I couldn't even off myself properly." Sirius let out a harsh cackle.

"Don't. Don't joke about this. I almost lost you. It's bad enough I didn't do anything about you going back at the beginning of the summer, and the altercation and curse with your mum happened. I couldn't take it if you died too. You deserve happiness, you deserve the world. You deserve to live. I know I'm being selfish, but I need you here with me." Remus couldn't speak above a whisper, emphasising the emotion behind the words. The force of this emotion struck Sirius.

"Merlin, Remus, we are a fucking mess, aren't we?" They both chuckled through tears that had started falling.

"Yeah, it seems that we are. Promise me, the next time you feel this bad," Remus gestured to the bandages, "you come find me and talk to me. It could be three in the morning, and I could be asleep, I don't give a rat's fat ass. You wake me up, you crawl into bed with me, whatever it takes. Because I love you, damn it. And I would have every night be a full moon before I lose you. Got it?"

"Got it. Remus, I'm sorry."

"I know."

"Can you wash your hands now? It's kind of disturbing to argue with your boyfriend while he's got your blood on his hands. Literally." Remus just chuckled as he used his wand to clean himself. He realized it might get really fucking hard, but they would make it.