Boy Meets Boy

The End of the Beginning

As the queen of angst, I present to you another trigger warning. This chapter mentions suicidal thoughts, tendencies, and self injurious behavior. Remember, if you have any of these thoughts, please contact someone who can help, even if its a hotline.

It was November 3. It should have been a day of joy, of drinking, and laughter, and just generally screwing around. They should have been allowed to act like the young men they were, but instead, Sirius Black's 22nd birthday came with a heavy black cloud.

Remus came downstairs, Harry on his hip, ignoring the letters from Dumbledore piling up on the counter.

"Morning, Padds. Did you sleep ok?" Remus had spent the night in Harry's room the night before, dealing with the toddler's recurring nightmares. Sirius looked up at Remus, bags under his eyes, redness obvious as well. "What is it, Sirius?" Remus' long legs moved him forward on their own accord.

"I don't want to be here without him, Moony. It feels wrong. He should be here to raise Harry." Tears began to fall as his voice dropped to a whisper. "I don't want to be here."

Remus went to hug his fiance, but the dark haired man pulled away, avoiding the long arms. "Sirius, what did you do?" The words came out as a whisper, laced with sadness and worry.

"I'm sorry." Sirius' whisper cracked as fresh tears began to fall harder. Tears were brought to the werewolves eyes as well.

"Let me see." He grabbed Sirius' arms, not letting go as the other man tried to pull away. He pulled up the sleeve on Sirius' pajama top and let out an involuntary gasp. It was the worst he had ever seen the other boy do. "I'm going to clean you up now, and then we are going to have a bath and some tea. You will have a nap, and I will lay with you." Remus performed the proper healing spells. He dragged Sirius to the bathroom, where he drew a warm bath, then gently stripped Sirius, and then himself. He guided the other man into the tub, and lowered both himself and his partner into the warm water. He knew it was cramped but didn't care as the one person he loved most sat in between his legs, back against his chest. He took the wash rag and scrubbed the sweat and blood and tear stains from every inch. After Sirius was clean, Remus put the rag to the side and just sat there holding Sirius, letting his strong and lanky arms encircle and comfort the other man. Sirius hated how he felt. He hated the darkness he had worked so hard to rid himself of and the fact that it had returned to him. He felt like the broken 15-year-old boy who hid in bed for a month. He hated making Remus worry, but he didn't know how to get rid of the darkness, and he wasn't strong enough to pretend it wasn't there.

The two men sat in the now cold water for so long, an exhausted Sirius dozed off. He felt himself being lifted to his feet and sat on the cold toilet seat. He could feel an old towel being used to dry him off. He was lifted to his feet again and felt the sensation of cotton boxers being pulled up his legs into place. Then, he was being steered to the living room and laid on the couch.

"Stay here and get some sleep. I'm going to grab Harry and change the bedding. I will be back in two minutes, I promise," Remus dropped a chaste kiss on Sirius' still wet hair. Sirius fell into a restless sleep while Remus was away.

Remus changed the bedding in his and Sirius' room, before grabbing Harry from his room. "Come on, Cub, let us go check on Padfoot." As he entered the living room again, he saw how restless the other man's sleep was, and dropped Harry into the playpen with his favorite toys. He adjusted Sirius so the smaller man was laying on him, and he held the distressed man until the twitching stopped and peace settled over the troubled face. Harry, who hadn't slept much the night before either, also fell asleep, leaving the werewolf alone with his thoughts. Silent tears slid down his face as he allowed himself to grieve the loss of his friend a little. He had been so caught up in taking care of Harry, and keeping an eye on Sirius that he had forgotten to mourn the deaths of James and Lily. The tears fell harder when the thought that he had failed his fiance entered his mind. He promised himself that he would protect the other man from himself, never allow him to feel the need to hurt himself, and yet he had not noticed the previous night just how bad Sirius was hurting emotionally. Tears continued to fall until he cried himself to sleep.

Sirius woke up to find himself lying on top of Remus on the couch; as he looked around, he saw a baby Harry asleep in his playpen. Getting up, he walked to the kitchen and began preparing a meal. He wasn't quite sure what time it was but that was ok. He just wanted to thank Remus for being strong enough to take care of the three of them. He knew he was lucky that someone like Remus loved him. Remus never made him feel bad for not being ok, or for not behaving the way everyone else expected, or for anything really. He made Remus' favorite foods, and resolving to be the best godfather to Harry and husband to Remus, took the food to the sleeping forms in the living room. He wasn't ok, but he would be, and that knowledge, along with the love of Remus, and the joy of Harry would see him through. And that was the best he could ask for. He knew this path for him was written in the stars.

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This is the end of part one of the Written in the Stars writing. I will begin a sequel soon, but please be patient with me, as I am a busy woman. Thank you for reading this. You all mean so much to me. Anyway, stay tuned.